Recently in Yard Jokes Category

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1. Hustle harder
2. Keep one woman
3. Seek higher education
4. Party less
5. Plant a back yard garden
6. Be creative
7. Live a simpler lifestyle
8. Invest in family planning
9. Seek alternative energy source(light lamp)
10. Eat less patties
11. Car Pool or take bus
12. Reduce your meat consumption
13. Charge phones at work
14. Avoid driving tickets
15. Buy a coal stove.

Try these and survive di PNP massacre weh a gwaan!!!!




 

scam-alert.jpgThis serious, the scammer man dem inna Mo-Bay a go hard. Dem link a American man and tell him say dem a di owner fi Pier 1 in Montego-Bay and dem a sell the property.

Dem take the man money and dem send di man papers and title fi di property and bere tings. Dem all send the man a map of the property and the boundaries. Di man come a Jamaica now and ready fi him property only fi realize say dem scam him.

Unuh nuh see say the scammer dem a gwaan bad!!! Poor man...a wonder wha him a go do now!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL... di more man suppose to soon have heart attack!!




Listen Carefully

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,"I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......Are - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"




Yard Jokes: Sugar Free

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A Jamaican man went into a store and picked up a bottle of juice and a bag of sugar and only paid for the juice and walked out.

He got arrested for stealing the sugar and when he went to court the judge asked him why he stole the sugar?

He replied: "Yuh Honor ... Mi nah tief no sugar ......mi look pon de back ah di juice and... it said sugar FREE"




Yard Jokes: Things a Jamaican would never do

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Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and claim victory when dem reach de top?

Yuh eva see we ah hang out inna di miggle ah di Amazon jungle?
Fi wah reason???

Yuh eva see we inna sea, bout we looking fi di Great White Shark
No sah - wi watch it pon TV

Yuh eva see a Jamaican acting pon big screen going into a haunted house and asking ... Trevah you in deh?" If him foolish enuf fi go ina di haunted house him an di duppy dem can tan in deh.

Yuh eva hear a Jamaican man seh ... "no honey ... no need to cook rice and peas wid oxtail and a little chicken pon a Sunday ... mek wi eat a light salad instead." Try yuh best ... not pon yu life.

Yuh eva si a Jamaican wey luv talk over people food ... put dem face inna it an sey dat looks and smell good? No sah! Dat wi cause fight.

Yuh eva see Jamaican tek meat outta fridge and stick it inna oven widout lickle seasoning?

Yuh eva hear Jamaican inna di werk place ah talk bout how much time him wife mek him sleep pon di couch? Crazy tings dat, cause even if she shut di door she expect him fi kick it open.

Yuh eva si a Jamaican have dem dog a lick dem face? Yuh mad?

Yuh eva see yawd ppl have dem dog sleep inna di same bed wid dem? Or dawg inna di couch and when dawg get up dem go lay down innna di same couch inna di same spat? Yuh eva see yawd people kiss dem dawg pon di mout? Yuh eva hear seh yawd people tek 5 days off from work because dem puss dead?
Yuh eva hear a Jamaican madda innna a store a tell dem pickney "no sweetheart, you can't have that, please put it back on the shelf"
Instead, yuh will hear someting like dis ... "lissen yah pickney, mi nah walk a street an pick up money, put dung di blassted sweetie dem an no badda mi peace tiday, yuh hear mi"?

Yuh eva see Jamaican do any wuk afta dem get pay pon Friday. All di manager dem a play domino round a back.




The Secret To A Long Marriage

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At the Parish Church, they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, Father asked Rufus, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Rufus replied to the assembled husbands - "Well, mi try treat har real nice, treat her with respeck, spend money on her, and best of all, mi tek her to Cuba for wi 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Rufus, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ..." 

Rufus proudly responded, "Well, mi ah go back to Cuba fi har."




Long Flight

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A stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on Air Jamaica when the stranger turned to the Jamaican and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 

The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his walkman, turned it down, and said to the stranger, "Wha yu like fe discuss, Sah?" 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger thinking that he would stump the Jamaican, he said, "Nuclear power?"
"Aaaright," said the Jamaican. "dat could be one in-tresting topic. But mek me ask yu one question fus" . 
"Go ahead, said the stranger". 
"A donkey, a cow an deer all eat grass, rite? Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow tun out flat patties, an donkey produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" 
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." 
"Well, den," said the Jamaican, "How in de world is it dat yu feel qualified fe discuss nuclear power wen yu don't even know crap?




Yard Jokes

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Only in Jamaica!


Only in Jamaica, you'll have police cars parked at some rum bar! 
Only in Jamaica, a waiter can tell you to hold on, he's watching the football game! 
Only in Jamaica, the more mess a politician mek, the more pay him get! 
Only in Jamaica can a thief hold you up and ask you to walk with more money next time! 
Only in Jamaica, SUV can't pass road test! 
Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman! 
Only in Jamaica, you can borrow someone else side of the road to drive on until yours get better! 
Only in Jamaica, every Chinese person is called "Missa" or "Miss" Chin


Rasta Visit

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A Rasta man went to visit an old family friend.  The Rasta man knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: "A WHO DAT"

Rastaman:  " I AND I, JAH RASTAFARI, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORD: CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, SON OF HAILE SELASSIE I"

The person inside replied: "A ME ONE DEY YAH, AN MI NAH OPEN DE DOOR FI SO MUCH AH OONU".





Yard Joke Of The Day: Go Get Yuh Madda

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A boy and his father from rural Jamaica were visting America for the first time.

The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Ah whaddat, daddy?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, mi nevah see nuting so inna my life! Mi nuh know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, sexy 19-year-old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh Madda!"




Jamaicanjokes.com presents: The Jamaican MP

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While crossing the street one day a Jamaican MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We have never had a Jamaican high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." 

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is shaking his hand, and reminiscing about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises to heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?" 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning ... Today you voted!




Yard Joke - Jamaican on a Ship

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On a ship an American, an English man, and a Jamaican were sailing. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop something in the sea; if I find it I will eat you ... If I can't, then I will be your slave!"

The American dropped a diamond. The Devil quickly found it and ate him.

The English man dropped tiny platinum piece. The Devil found it and ate him too.

Now it's the Jamaican man's turn .... He proceeded to open a bottle of water, and poured it in the sea! His words to the Devil, "Yeah man, find that bloodclaat nuh!!! Yuh tink seh jamaicans a idiot?"
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It was high drama and a very greasy situation on Lyndhurst Road in Kingston yesterday (March 30, 2009), as Patrick Marshall - a garage operator - stripped to his underwear and thoroughly covered himself in grease in order to prevent his imminent arrest by policemen who were at his business place.

Marshall took off all his clothes except his boxers, then proceeded to grease every part of his body in order to make it as difficult as possible for the police to hold and arrest him. According to Marshall, the police officers came to help a customer reclaim a vehicle from his garage, a vehicle that Marshall was refusing to release because he claims the customer owes him J$114,000 in storage fees and refuses to pay this sum.

Marshall was at least succesful for the day. The policemen were unable to arrest him and because of the intervention of other police officers, the vehicle was not allowed to be removed from his garage.
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Yard Joke Of the Day - Wednesday, September 14, 2011

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Nancy

An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.

The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:


Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tief all kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.


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Call di Grung Gad!

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Bounty Killa's Church Sermon

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Jamaican "Resta-rant" or what

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A Jamaican man coming to the US for the first time went into a Jamaican restaurant and asked the waitress "what kinda Jamaican food unno sell?"

To which the waiter replied, "Well we have oxtail, curried goat, curry chicken, tripe & beans, cook-up salt fish and ackee & salt fish."

Jamaican man: "Tell de man them seh give me one oxtail dinner wid some curry goat gravy. What kinda Jamaican drinks you have?"

Waiter: "Ginger beer, sorrel, lemonade, magnum, front end lifter, agony and coconut water."

Jamaican man: "Give me one large ginger beer. What kinda dessert you have?"

Waiter: "We have potato pudding, blue draws corn pudding."

Jamaican man: "Aright give me two slices of di pitata pudding. And mi want di same thing to go."

After he was finished eating, the Jamaican man asked the waiter for the bill, which came to US$15.

He took out a Jamaican $1000.00 dollar bill, placed it on the counter and told the waiter to keep di change.

The waiter was furious and told the man "we don't take Jamaican money here."

The man replied "mi come in yah and nyam Jamaican food, drink Jamaican drinks and eat Jamaican desert. If you nuh want di Jamaican dollars den tek down the..........sign outa doowah weh seh JAMAICAN RESTAURANT!!!"





Noooo Sah !?

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Mind it flip wid unu.





A Maasai Moment

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Yard Joke pic of the day

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Weh dem a go wid dis










The Ity & Fancy Cat Show Live will take over the Wyndham Kingston ballroom on Sunday, December 26, as a part of the Christmas Comedy Cook-Up.


The seventh staging of the annual comedy extravaganza will see two shows on the day, one at 5 p.m. and the other at 8:30 p.m.
Ellis international says comedy fans and lovers of high-quality entertainment can look forward to an evening of laughter blended with music and dance in a smooth, slick production conceptualised and directed by veteran comeian, writer and arts educator Owen 'Blakka' Ellis.


Under Mr. Ellis' guidance and mentorship for the past 18 years, Ity & Fancy Cat have grown immensely and their hugely popular television project, the Ity & Fancy Cat Show Live, now in preparation for its fourth season, is also growing into a major international phenomenon with video uploads from the show going viral on the internet.


Sharing stage with the hilariously outrageous duo on December 26 will be ever-popular comedic medic Dr. Michael Abrahams, eccentric crooner of humorous parodies; the crazy Rozah Roze, and Miss 'tan deh deh' phrase, Kathy Grant.






Tonto, You Be Trippin..

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Crocodile Pool

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There was a man who had nuff riches ... big car, house on the hill, gal, money and odda ray ray ray.

Many men wished to be in his shoes. Since the rich man knew this, he took it upon himself to put some of these men on a little test for his riches.

He invited them to his place and told each that if they can swim across his swimming pool without getting bitten or scratched by the crocodiles in there, they could then have anyting dem want ... his car, his gal, his house .. whatever.

All of them ketch dem fraid and said them wouldn't do it.

As he turned to start letting them out, he heard a splash in the pool, and saw one swimming across it.

When he got out, the rich man said to him, "Wow, yuh come een like Superman, yuh nuh get nuh bite or scratch ... so wha yuh want ... mi car, mi gal, mi house, what?" The guy responded, "Mi no wha none a yuh riches again, mi jus wha know a which man push mi in dey"!





Father’s Day Joke: Brag about parents

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An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"





Yard Joke : The Ras ina Court

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A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child?

The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody"

The judge turns to the dread and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?"

The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said,

"Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ...

'I and I' or the machine?





Chuckle a Day

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After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a worn out blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her tolerance grew thin.

At last she put a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with severe warnings.

While leaving the room, she overheard her three-year-old say with a shaky voice, "Who was 'that'?"





Yard Joke Of The Day

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Driving In Kingston

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.





Yard Joke

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A Jamaican Love Poem

You're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.





Yard Joke Of The Day

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The Dunn's River Genie


A woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and- behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile, then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.

She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie. So ... what yuh want?'

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony'.

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years.

Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years! Mi good but mi nuh dat good! Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man...

You know, one that is considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking and house cleaning, is great in bed and is FAITHFUL. That's what I wish for ... a good man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, 'Mek mi see di map again!!!!'





Yard Joke Of The Day

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Monkey and Lion In The Zoo

A Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for a job, any job. Finally he got to the zoo. The zookeeper looked stressed out.

"The monkey escaped last night", the zoo-keeper said, "if you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you"


The Jamaican immediately accepted. The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.


The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawled out, "LAWD GOD, MI DEAD NOW". The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered, "Man shut yuh R@@$, if yuh evah mek mi lose di likkle wuk yuh si..."





Yard Joke Of The Day

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Country Baby Fada

A young Jamaican father-to-be living dung inna country awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!"

The doctor came over and told the father "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure,another cry was heard.The father excitedly proclaimed: "A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly bless! Glory to Gad!"

The doctor instructed, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh. Tank Jesus."

The doctor repeated, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.

The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?"





Joke Of The Day

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AA 331 Plane Crash Jamaican Eyewitness Reports

An American Airlines plane crashed and broke in two after landing at the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston on December 22, 2009. The aircraft carried over 145 passengers and crew, most of them Jamaicans coming home for the Christmas holidays. Boardlane TV news was on site to interview some of the passengers that were able to speak to us about the events that took place after the crash.

Boardlane TV: Hi sir could you could you give us a moment and tell us how are you feeling and what happened when you realized your flight crashed?

Lincoln: Lady mi sey a Jah save wi cause a di back mi dey enoh Miss and all of a sudden mi si di miggle a di plane hice up ina di air and a dat time mi a penny sey di rahtid sinting bruck ina 2. Mi all si wan suitcase drap outta di ova head bin siting and lick out wan white man flat a grung. Im mite ina di plane still kunk out an cyan git up cause everybody tep ova im ... man an woman a try cum outt before di plane boom up!

Boardlane TV : No one stopped to assist the injured man?

Lincoln: Look yah lady when plane boom flick pan dry land is all about survival yuh no seeit. Every man fi dem self cause yuh noh know if all a nex suitcase a goh shoot out fram di ova head sinting an lick yuh out.. Trus mi!

Boardlane TV : Ok sir thanks very much and glad you are Ok.. Miss Over here. Can you tell us how you feel and give us some insights on what took place on your flight?

Matilda: Glorry Glorry… I sey Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Lady a cyan talk … Sweeet Jesas. A nearly si di coming of mi Creata an mi nat even a wear desent drawz.. I sey Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Alli-jullaaa!!!

Boardlane TV: Ok Mam thanks. Hi Miss over here Boardlane TV here. Can you tell us what happened on your flight as it was landing?

Millicent: Dat Razzklaat Pilot noh know wey di Bongo Cyat im a do.. Im nearly kill aff di whole a wi ina di big Chrismus haliday yah ..a fly di Bummbeet Plane like im a deh pan Jet Ski pan di tarmac. A waan smaddy buss im Klaat an sen im back a Flying school. Dung to mi lickle 9 yr ole yout lan kite betta dan how dat suckka lan dis big ole Bongo Cyat plane.. cho Blood Kleet .. come outta mi way yah man.

Boardlane TV: Oookk?? Clearly she is upset with the pilot and understandably so. Let’s see .. Little one can you come over here and talk with us..How are you doing?

Celine: Mi cyan fine mi mummy. Yuh si har fi mi?

Boardlane TV: No but maybe you can describe her and we can get some help for you.

Celine: Mi mummy have wan b@tty big an wear wan Burgundy head weave..an har finga nail dem have Chrismuss tree paint pan dem.. When di plane crash shi tek aff an run wey lef mi… like shi figat sey shi have pickney pan di plane wid har.. Dats how shi behave when har head tek har yuh mam ..shi noh memba nutten bout mi.

Boardlane TV : Oh no. Go to the officer and find some help. Be safe. Let’s get one more comment from this gentleman. Hi sir do you care to comment on the incident that just took place?

Percy: Sure I would loves to comments. Miss Lady, I and my mistress was in the bock aff di plane han was very hestinguished when wi realize dot di plane do nat landed good pan di runaway. So I jess tell di mistress to pick up di suitcase dem han faller backa me.

Boardlane TV : You made her carry both suitcases by herself?

Percy : What mek yuh hosk? Yuh noh si how shi strapting an have trang back? A wan cow dis yuh noh lady! Anyways hofta shi falla backs a me, wi truck aff troo di side exit door an landed ina wan whole heapa gravel. Si hall my helbow chip up fram di rackstone dem an yuh si mi mistress nat even get a scrotch how shi tough. Dats why mi loves her so. A very trong women dis. Wi aroight dowes.. just wont to find a batroom now fi change mi brief. Mi cyan ston ina di pee-pee no longer.


Boardlane TV : Ok Sir God bless you and the mistress. Well ladies and gentlemen there you have it. A very lucky set of passengers given the serioness of the accident.We will have more comments from passengers as they get sorted out.

Boardlane TV: We are now back on the air speaking with a few more of the passengers from flight 331. Mister can you step over here and have a chat with us. How are you doing.. you look a little Shaken up?

Trevor : Bway I neva experience anyting like dis ina my life sistren. A lissen mi a lissen some trune pan mi Ipod an feel di plane a skid wey to blurtnaught. Di betern nex to mi look out a di window an start bawl out sey wi ago drap ina sea wata to birdbeak!. Lady mi start pray unto Jah cause I man cyan swim a lick an plus mi all hear sey nuff Alligator ina di sea.

Boardlane TV: Alligators in the sea sir? Where have you heard such a thing? That’s not true.

Trevor : Yuh a fool man .. Alligata ina di sea mi sey. Nuff time mi si dem lie dung pan di banking when mi a fly out.. soh mi noh know wey yuh a chat sey. If wid di crash ina di sea an hear sey Alligata nyam up all a wi wey yuh woulda sey eeh? How unu can behave like a ongle unu wan have educatian soh? Tek man fi fool an illeterate.. GO WEY!!

Boardlane TV: Ok. Clearly that is a very misguided passenger but we are glad he wasn’t eaten by Alligators nonetheless. Looks like another shaken passenger heading our way. Over here sir. Can you tell us what this experience was like for you?

Neville: Ioyoo cyooon taalkk naw iss.. mknot a ood hime

Boardlane TV: Sir what are saying? I’m sorry we can’t hear you so good. Repeat that.

Neville’s Daughter: Sarry lady.. Papa cyan talk to yah now …im false teet fly outta im mout when im head lick up pan di seat. Nat a soul cyan fine di teet all now. Gad eeh know how dis man a goh nyam im Chrismuss dinna now widout’en di teet. Lawd a mercy pan wi Pupa Jesas!

Boardlane TV: Ok Sorry to hear that. Well let's hope he will have a Merry Christmas despite his missing teeth. God bless you. Hi Hi young man come and talk to us over here. What’s going through you mind after going through what just occurred?

Rorie: Yuh really waan know what a goh troo my mine sistren? Is a spliff I waan bun yuh noh seeit.. jah rastafari know. Dem kina ting wi mash up yuh nerval system when rasta dey pan plane an it bruck up wid yuh ina it yuh noh seeit . Mi teet dem noh tap rakkle fram mi lef outta di plane. I man need a weefah fi calm I nerves but di bloodseed police bway dem a walk roun wid di sniffa daag dem sed speed mek I man cyan draw fi di good herb. **Chaaaaa** Easy yaah mi sistren .. I an I ago get ouuta dis Babylon cage..zeen? More time!

Boardlane TV: Ok we have time for just one more passenger .. Looks like this lady is one of the more injured. Lets see what she has to say.. Sppptttt can you share with Boadlane TV how you got your injuries?

Silvia: Noh wan b@ttybway push mi dung a try race mi outta di plane mam. Mi sey dem noh have no mannas enoh lady. Imagine dis American Airlines likle punk fling mi dung ina fuss class an kick mi ina mi side when a jump ova mi.. Mi sey if a neva fi mi artritis ina mi right han a tump im dung if a eva si im bout yah. Look how mi frack dutty up like mi naah come fram nohweh!

Boardlane TV: Wait a minute you said he was an American Airline person?

Silvia: Yes lady! A wan a di Hair hostess bway do mi soh .. All yuh hear dem a chat bout lef plane ardaly in case of emergency dem a di fuss wan a bulldoza yuh when plane crash. Dem is jus like dem dam hooligan yuh si a stage show. Dam set a viagro dem ..Lady dem only ina di stoosh unifarm like dem desent but dem noh betta dan di hag dem yuh si ina pig style. Dutty Jankro dem!

Boardlane TV: Very interesting. Well there you have it folks. A very traumatic day for the passengers as you have you heard. We wish all a pleasant evening and thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.





Joke of the Day

Webmin
1 Comment



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
----------------------------------------------


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
----------------------------------------------


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
-----------------------------------------------


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)





Joke of the Day-Five Surgeons

Webmin
No Comments

skin teeth.jpg
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.



The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."



The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."



The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."



The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."





Joke Of The Day

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Photographer Works
joke_095.jpgThere was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.


However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.


The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.


So what's the moral of the story?


The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
No Comments

smiley_lol.gifWhile on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.



When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.



All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.



To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
No Comments

skin teeth.jpgMary had a likkle lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes down quite a treat, with rice and hard dough bread.Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair said Simple Simon to de Pieman, what have you got there? said de Pieman unto Simon, pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall all de kings horses and all de kings men, said "cha , 'im, only a egg."

Jack and Jill went up de hill to have a likkle fun. Idyat Jill forget she pill and now them have a son.





Yard Nursery rhymes

Webmin
No Comments

EdwardsLivingWillLaughingEmoticon.jpg
Mary had a likkle lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes down quite a treat,

with rice and hard dough bread.



Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.

Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,

What have you got there?

Said de Pieman unto Simon,

Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!





A Yardie n Trini at Breakfast

Webmin
13 Comments

EdwardsLivingWillLaughingEmoticon.gif
A Yardie is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Yardie ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation



Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread?"



Yardie (in a bad mood): "Of course"



Trini (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad we does only eat what's inside. The crust, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans".





Short Jokes

Webmin
4 Comments

EdwardsLivingWillLaughingEmoticon.gif
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.



2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.



3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.





Genie

Webmin
6 Comments

joke_095.jpg
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.



She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH genie...... So... is wah yuh want?"



The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."





Labor Pains

Webmin
6 Comments

joke_095.jpg
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the UPS man dead on the porch





Joke of the day

Webmin
No Comments

joke_095.jpg
A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.


The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a new BMW 740i. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Jamaican produces the title and everything checks out... The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.


Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'


The Jamaican replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'


The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the garage, windows down and sunroof open. The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away, 'We run things, things no run we, everything we do, it done properly.'





Joke of the day

Webmin
6 Comments

joke_095.jpgIn a recent trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called to the witness stand his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy.



The attorney approached her and asked, "Miss Ivy, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes of course me know you! Mr. Williams. Me know you since you was a likkle pissing tail pickney, and wata big disappointment you is to you family. You is a ole liard, you cheat pan yuh wife, yuh chat people bizniz, and yuh red-eye, grudgeful and licky-licky. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you will never amoun to nuttin more dan a two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know yuh very well alright!!"



The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?" She looked over at the defense attorney and replied, "Of course, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a likkle bwoy too. Him lazy, and good-fe-nothing, him boasy, and him always a gwaan like him white. Him caan build nuh normal relationship with any woman 'cause him a Battyman unda covah. Fe him law practice a di worse eena Jamaica. Him chat nuff, him a ole teef, him dutty and nasty. A three different woman an four man me hear seh him a grind undah covah, an one a di woman dem a you missis (points at juror memeber)!! Yes sah, me know him well." The defense attorney almost died of embarrassment.



The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you rassclawt bastards ask her if she knows me, a gwine lock up oonu rass eena jail fe contempt!."





Joke of the day

Webmin
4 Comments

Jamaican Amtrak Tale
joke_095.jpg

Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.



"Watch the ride my yute!" answers a Jamaican.



They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.



The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.



So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my yute!!" says a Jamaican.



When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".





Joke of the day

Webmin
3 Comments

Blind Man Test
joke_095.jpgA blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu. "Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu". Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"



A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!" Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.



Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli."



The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Dawn, rub this fork on your panties." Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Rass mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!"





Joke of the day

Webmin
1 Comment

joke_095.jpgThree engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.


"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".


The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.


The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.


"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.


"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."





Joke of the day

Webmin
1 Comment

joke_095.jpgThere were three men from the Caribbean living together in London ; a Trinidadian , a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh, fancy and very expensive restaurant they came up with a plan. The Trinidadian went in first.

After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave. Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine . When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!"


The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan , and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go. Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.


Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so................ But Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss,that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"





Joke of the day

Webmin
5 Comments

joke_095.jpgA Rasta man walks into a bank with a black scandal bag, after waiting in the line for a couple of minutes it was time for the teller to attend to him. The tell greeted with a grin and asked "may i help you sir" the rasta man handed over the scandal bag to the tell and says yes. The tell opened the bag and asked "what must i do with this" the rasta man replied "mi wah open a joint account wid dat deh sintin inna di bag"









Joke of the day

Webmin
7 Comments

a569~s200x200.gifWance apan a time Breda Anancy mek up im mind seh im gwine callect all a de camman sense inna de wurl. Im was tinking dat he would be de smartest smaddy in de wurl ef im do dis. So Anancy traveled all ova de wurl collecting camman sense. Im go to big countries an likkle ones. Im go to primary schools and universities. Im go to govament offices and businesses. Im go people house and dem work place.



Im tek all de zillions camman sense he had collected fram around the wurl and put it a big calabash. Im tek de calabash wid im to im backyard and climbed a big gwangu tree. His plan was to store it at de tap of the tree for safety-keeping. Nobady woulda get to it but Anancy.



To mek sure it was safe Anancy tie the calabash to de front of his bady. Dis slow down im progress up de tree to a slow crawl. Im did look very clumsy a-go up de tree wid be-caw the calabash dida hamper im.



As im was slowing going up toward de top a de tree a likkle girl below called out to im. Anancy, mek you nuh tie the calabash pon you back insteada in front of yuh. It will git up de tree much fasta and ez-a.



Anancy was bex be-cah de likkle girl show im up for not thinking. She had more good sense dan him he thought. He called out to her “Mi did tink me collected all the camman sense fram all ova de wurl”



He was so angry dat im fling the calabash to the to the groung and it bust. All of the camman sense im did callect fly back to all ova de wurl.



An dat's how you and I manage to have just a likkle common sense for we-self tideh.



Jack Mandora, me tell yuh no lie!!!





Anancy and The Cricket Match

Webmin
4 Comments

anancy2.jpgOnce upon a time, Brother Anancy had a plan to go to the cricket match in town, which was far away. He did not have enough money so he came up with a plan. He went to see Brother Snake and Brother Rabbit, who also wanted to see the cricket match but did not have enough money. However they had just a little more money than Anancy did. Anancy told them to meet him at the train station in the morning at 5:00 a.m. and bring what little money they had. He told them he could get them all there if they shared the food with him, which they would buy with the extra money. They agreed. The next morning Anancy met Brother Snake and Brother Rabbit at the station.



They were excited as they saw the train coming and going. He told them he would get them to the match but they had to trust him with their money. They hesitated but then he explained that they would have spending money if they trust him. He also requested he hold all the money for safekeeping. He told them that he would keep the extra money and the tickets.





The Bacon Tree

Webmin
4 Comments

joke_095.jpgTwo Jamaican badmen are walking through a rural area.

They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.

They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"

So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"

The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham
bush!"





Joke of the day

Webmin
4 Comments

Psalms 23 - Jamaican Version
joke_095.jpgThe Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi

Ah Him ah remind mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teeth.

Ah Him ah remind mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.

Him ah stap mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision dem, so mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an' tun' all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy so mi no haffi go ah prison, an' live mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.

Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behind mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an' ah old body dat kyaan' mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!

Him presence, Him peace, an' Him power ah go si mi through.

Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hardworking self, though mi have three set a degree an' diploma.

Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi, an' me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an' bun di whole place ah grung.

Fi Him faithfulness an' love betta dan any bonus check (but yu simi, a check woulda help out some time).

Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha 'appen out yah tiday.

When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time ... So Tank Yuh Lord.





Joke of the day

Webmin
4 Comments

joke_095.jpgThis mad dread locks man named kiddy liked my mother and when ever he sees her she would run and hide.

one day my mom was on the verandah with my sister and she spotted kiddy coming into the yard and ran into my gran aunts room to hide.

kiddy came upon the veradah calling my mom and saying he had seen her so she can come out.

now my gran aunt a big time coward took brave heart and went out to tell kiddy that my mom is not there and who he saw was two country girls who came to visit.

my aunt was fearful and wanted to get away
so she lied and told kiddy that she's not feeling too well.
so kiddy said he would pray for her... he then put his hand on her head and started praying.

while he's praying all of a sudden kiddy shouted and said "RISE!!!!! my gran aunt with no hesitation jump up quick to his order. so mom asked her why she jump so quickly.... she said because she heard that he was praying for a woman the week before and he told her to rise and she did not and he gave the woman a lick in ar head.





Anancy an Ratta

Webmin
5 Comments

joke_095.jpgOnce upon a time, Bredda Ratta was a very facety and highfalutin fella. Him use to dress up himself ina de lates style an fashion an show off himself an gwan like sey him did better dan everybody else.

So Bredda Anancy meck up him mine fi cut dung Bredda Rat to size. An Bredda Nancy tink up him brain an tink up him brain how him gwine manage fi ketch Bredda Rat an lowrate him, an den baps, Bredda Nancy memba sey dat Bredda Rat love dance so till no more no lef. Every drum knock Ratta de deh a cut figure. De one ting Bredda Ratta couldn’t resist was music.

So den Nancy gi out seh dat him gwine meck a big dance, an him invite Bredda Ratta to de ball.

Anancy shine up him dance floor shine an slippery like glass.

Anancy was a fiddler at de dance, an as Bredda Rata walks into de dance hall so Anancy start play sweet tune pon de fiddle an sing seh,





Buju Banton - Driver A - Lyrics Translation

Webmin
7 Comments

joke_095.jpgI would certainly appreciate it if you could take this package down the road for me.
Please while you are on your journey might I implore you not to speak to anyone.
Follow my instructions; it is imperative that everything goes according to plan.
May your journey be a safe one.

chorus

Driver please avoid unnecessary stoppages as you deliver this package of marijuana at Alba Mall
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of you not stopping along the way
Collect the funds and make a hasty retreat
Driver be very wary of members of the Constabulary Force as they have set up quite a few speed traps along the path you have to travel.





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
4 Comments

Monkey and Lion In The Zoo

joke_095.jpgA Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for a job, any job. Finally he got to the zoo. The zookeeper looked stressed out.

"The monkey escaped last night", the zoo-keeper said, "if you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you"

The Jamaican immediately accepted. The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the
kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out
of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.

The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawled out, "LAWD GOD, MI DEAD NOW". The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered, "Man shut yuh raas, if yuh evah mek mi lose di likkle wuk yuh si..."





Joke Of The Day

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2 Comments

A Jamaican Poem
joke_095.jpgYou're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.





Mi Granny Always Used To Seh ...

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joke_095.jpg... Yuh wing soon clip

... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow

... Puss an dawg nuh have de same luck

... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad

... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten

... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near

... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina

... Yuh head faver johncrow airport

... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest

... It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet

... But unu see mi dying trial!!

... Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn"

... If yuh don't hear yuh will feel

... Yuh free paper soon burn

... Yuh more harm than hurt

... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near

... It holey holey but it clean

... But cuh pon yuh too

... Use deh one stone an kill deh two bird

... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat

... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
12 Comments

American: Porch
Jamaican: Varanda

American: Bathe, Shower
Jamaican: Bade, Hol' A Fresh

American: Collard Greens, Spinach
Jamaican: Callaloo

American: Stick Shift (Car)
Jamaican: Standard

American: Charge It
Jamaican: Trus' It

American: Can You Give Me A Lift To The Corner
Jamaican: Beg Yu A Ride Go Dung Di Street Noh Sah

American: Oh My God!
Jamaican: Lawd A Mercy

American: Excuse Me
Jamaican: Beg Yu Pardon

American: "You Wanna Fight?", Or "You Want A Piece Of Me"
Jamaican: "Touch A Button!" "Touch A Button"

American: Where Are You Going?
Jamaican: Weh Yuh Deh Go?

American: Excuse Me
Jamaican: Gi Mi Pass

American: Sorry
Jamaican: Hush

American: The Shoes Is A Little Tight
Jamaican: Lawd Di Boot A Bun Mi

American: Oh Stop It You're Killing Me
Jamaican: Lawd Ma Top Eh Man Yuh A Go Kill Me

American: I Do Not Practice Oral Sex
Jamaican: Mi Nuh Bow!!!





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
4 Comments

joke_095.jpgAn old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.
The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:
Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tiefall kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.





Joke Of The Day

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2 Comments

joke_095.jpgA man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."





Joke Of The Day

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joke_095.jpgAn airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
6 Comments

joke_095.jpgJoe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
1 Comment

joke_095.jpg
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"





Joke of the Day

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Seventh Day Adventist
joke_095.jpgA Jamaican walks into a bar in Miami, orders three Red Stripe and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a beer goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Jamaican replies, "Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna Toronto, the other dey a London, and mi deya a Miami. When we all left home, we promised to drink this way to remember the days when we drank in MoBay. So mi drink one for each ah meh bredda and one for meh self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice Jamaican custom, and leaves it there. The Jamaican becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Jamaican looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine,"

He explains, "It's just that I joined The Seventh Day Adventist Church and I personally had to stop drinking”





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
3 Comments

lol.jpgA little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"





Joke of The Day

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2 Comments

Joke01.jpgA blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
3 Comments

Joke01.jpgOne day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Shabba, where'd you get that truck?!?'

'Wendy gave it to me' Shabba replied.
'She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Shabba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!'

'Shabba, you're a smart man!'
'Them clothes woulda never fit you!'





Joke Of The Day

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11 Comments

Joke01.jpgA Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocho wanted to take a day off work to go into Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over.

"Obediah, ah have to go to Kingston today, but ah want you to keep the clinic open; just in case any patients come in. Yuh tink you cyan handle it?"

"Yes, sah, yes sah!" answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge.

The following day, the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, "So how tings went yesterday?"

"I had was to treat t'ree patients," said Obie proudly.

"De fuss one seh 'im have a bad 'eadache, so mi give 'im two Tylenol."

"De second one seh 'im belly a hot him bad, bad, so mi give him some Maalox."

"Good work, good work," said the doctor, 'And what about di t'ird patient?"

"Well, sah, dis ooman bust through de door. And she tear off all she clothes sah! Me seh, every last piece of she clothes, sah. An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and spread her legs dem.Den she shout out, "Help mi! Fi five years now mi nuh see any man!"

"Lawd, God man." exclaimed the doctor, "So what yuh do?"

"Mi put drops inna her eye dem sah!' replied Obie proudly





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
7 Comments

Joke01.jpgA guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
9 Comments

Joke01.jpgA man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.





Joke Of The Day

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12 Comments

Joke01.jpgA Lady was travelling along Caledonia road in Mandeville, when she was involved in a traffic accident with a man who was driving a car. They both agreed to go to a nearby police station to make a report.

Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:

Lady: Mawning offica

Officer: Mawning Maam

Lady: I'm here to report an accident

Officer: Go ahead Maam

Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.

Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.

Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.





Joke of the day

Webmin
6 Comments

Joke01.jpgAn 85-year-old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, its like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied, Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldnt get the jar open.





Joke of the day

Webmin
3 Comments

Joke01.jpgA girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the r egister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
T he boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'





By: Wade Cameron - an avid fan
bolt200 copy.jpgHow they came with pouring rain

Deterring your focus, but your drive, they couldn't change

Your determination and will, they couldn't detain

How you charged the skies with your loud thunderous claps

Leaving everyone else, in their tracks

Underestimating you they did

A powerful dot, they couldn't see your will

Like a moment in time, you allowed history to remain still

Showcasing your talents and all your skills

With your loud thunderous roll, you put the rest of the world on hold

Showing your vigorous force

Increasing your terror, to warn others you're coming

The wind blew with tremendous fury like the whistling hurricane

Trying to change your course

But like the human torch

You burned with desire

Knowing you'll be standing

Look who's crossed the finish line...

Patiently waiting





Joke of The Day

Webmin
23 Comments

Joke01.jpgThe priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?' All the men stood up.

'No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up.

'No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up !

'No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,
has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!





Joke of the day

Webmin
9 Comments

Joke01.jpgA little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said...you got male!

---------------------------





Jokes for the day

Webmin
13 Comments

My Dad's Better Than Your Dad

Joke01.jpgWhen Jesus was a kid He was sitting around with some friends. One of the kids says "My dads a fireman and he's better than yours!" ; another says "Well my dads a police man so he's better than yours!" Jesus looks at this and says "Well my Dads God, and He created you, you, you, and you so there!"

---------------------------------
Why doesn't a grasshopper ever goes to a football match...he prefers cricket.

----------------------------------





 

Listen Carefully

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listen-carefully.jpg
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,"I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......Are - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"




Yard Jokes: Sugar Free

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sugar-free.jpg
A Jamaican man went into a store and picked up a bottle of juice and a bag of sugar and only paid for the juice and walked out.

He got arrested for stealing the sugar and when he went to court the judge asked him why he stole the sugar?

He replied: "Yuh Honor ... Mi nah tief no sugar ......mi look pon de back ah di juice and... it said sugar FREE"




Yard Jokes: Things a Jamaican would never do

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Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and claim victory when dem reach de top?

Yuh eva see we ah hang out inna di miggle ah di Amazon jungle?
Fi wah reason???

Yuh eva see we inna sea, bout we looking fi di Great White Shark
No sah - wi watch it pon TV

Yuh eva see a Jamaican acting pon big screen going into a haunted house and asking ... Trevah you in deh?" If him foolish enuf fi go ina di haunted house him an di duppy dem can tan in deh.

Yuh eva hear a Jamaican man seh ... "no honey ... no need to cook rice and peas wid oxtail and a little chicken pon a Sunday ... mek wi eat a light salad instead." Try yuh best ... not pon yu life.

Yuh eva si a Jamaican wey luv talk over people food ... put dem face inna it an sey dat looks and smell good? No sah! Dat wi cause fight.

Yuh eva see Jamaican tek meat outta fridge and stick it inna oven widout lickle seasoning?

Yuh eva hear Jamaican inna di werk place ah talk bout how much time him wife mek him sleep pon di couch? Crazy tings dat, cause even if she shut di door she expect him fi kick it open.

Yuh eva si a Jamaican have dem dog a lick dem face? Yuh mad?

Yuh eva see yawd ppl have dem dog sleep inna di same bed wid dem? Or dawg inna di couch and when dawg get up dem go lay down innna di same couch inna di same spat? Yuh eva see yawd people kiss dem dawg pon di mout? Yuh eva hear seh yawd people tek 5 days off from work because dem puss dead?
Yuh eva hear a Jamaican madda innna a store a tell dem pickney "no sweetheart, you can't have that, please put it back on the shelf"
Instead, yuh will hear someting like dis ... "lissen yah pickney, mi nah walk a street an pick up money, put dung di blassted sweetie dem an no badda mi peace tiday, yuh hear mi"?

Yuh eva see Jamaican do any wuk afta dem get pay pon Friday. All di manager dem a play domino round a back.




The Secret To A Long Marriage

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long-marriage-secret.jpg
At the Parish Church, they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, Father asked Rufus, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Rufus replied to the assembled husbands - "Well, mi try treat har real nice, treat her with respeck, spend money on her, and best of all, mi tek her to Cuba for wi 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Rufus, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ..." 

Rufus proudly responded, "Well, mi ah go back to Cuba fi har."




Long Flight

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long-flight.jpg
A stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on Air Jamaica when the stranger turned to the Jamaican and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 

The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his walkman, turned it down, and said to the stranger, "Wha yu like fe discuss, Sah?" 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger thinking that he would stump the Jamaican, he said, "Nuclear power?"
"Aaaright," said the Jamaican. "dat could be one in-tresting topic. But mek me ask yu one question fus" . 
"Go ahead, said the stranger". 
"A donkey, a cow an deer all eat grass, rite? Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow tun out flat patties, an donkey produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" 
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." 
"Well, den," said the Jamaican, "How in de world is it dat yu feel qualified fe discuss nuclear power wen yu don't even know crap?




Yard Jokes

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Only in Jamaica!


Only in Jamaica, you'll have police cars parked at some rum bar! 
Only in Jamaica, a waiter can tell you to hold on, he's watching the football game! 
Only in Jamaica, the more mess a politician mek, the more pay him get! 
Only in Jamaica can a thief hold you up and ask you to walk with more money next time! 
Only in Jamaica, SUV can't pass road test! 
Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman! 
Only in Jamaica, you can borrow someone else side of the road to drive on until yours get better! 
Only in Jamaica, every Chinese person is called "Missa" or "Miss" Chin


Rasta Visit

rasta-visit.jpg
A Rasta man went to visit an old family friend.  The Rasta man knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: "A WHO DAT"

Rastaman:  " I AND I, JAH RASTAFARI, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORD: CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, SON OF HAILE SELASSIE I"

The person inside replied: "A ME ONE DEY YAH, AN MI NAH OPEN DE DOOR FI SO MUCH AH OONU".





Yard Joke Of The Day: Go Get Yuh Madda

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A boy and his father from rural Jamaica were visting America for the first time.

The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Ah whaddat, daddy?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, mi nevah see nuting so inna my life! Mi nuh know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, sexy 19-year-old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh Madda!"




Jamaicanjokes.com presents: The Jamaican MP

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While crossing the street one day a Jamaican MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We have never had a Jamaican high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." 

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is shaking his hand, and reminiscing about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises to heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?" 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning ... Today you voted!




Yard Joke - Jamaican on a Ship

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On a ship an American, an English man, and a Jamaican were sailing. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop something in the sea; if I find it I will eat you ... If I can't, then I will be your slave!"

The American dropped a diamond. The Devil quickly found it and ate him.

The English man dropped tiny platinum piece. The Devil found it and ate him too.

Now it's the Jamaican man's turn .... He proceeded to open a bottle of water, and poured it in the sea! His words to the Devil, "Yeah man, find that bloodclaat nuh!!! Yuh tink seh jamaicans a idiot?"
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It was high drama and a very greasy situation on Lyndhurst Road in Kingston yesterday (March 30, 2009), as Patrick Marshall - a garage operator - stripped to his underwear and thoroughly covered himself in grease in order to prevent his imminent arrest by policemen who were at his business place.

Marshall took off all his clothes except his boxers, then proceeded to grease every part of his body in order to make it as difficult as possible for the police to hold and arrest him. According to Marshall, the police officers came to help a customer reclaim a vehicle from his garage, a vehicle that Marshall was refusing to release because he claims the customer owes him J$114,000 in storage fees and refuses to pay this sum.

Marshall was at least succesful for the day. The policemen were unable to arrest him and because of the intervention of other police officers, the vehicle was not allowed to be removed from his garage.
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Yard Joke Of the Day - Wednesday, September 14, 2011

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Nancy

An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.

The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:


Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tief all kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.


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Call di Grung Gad!

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Bounty Killa's Church Sermon

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Jamaican "Resta-rant" or what

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A Jamaican man coming to the US for the first time went into a Jamaican restaurant and asked the waitress "what kinda Jamaican food unno sell?"

To which the waiter replied, "Well we have oxtail, curried goat, curry chicken, tripe & beans, cook-up salt fish and ackee & salt fish."

Jamaican man: "Tell de man them seh give me one oxtail dinner wid some curry goat gravy. What kinda Jamaican drinks you have?"

Waiter: "Ginger beer, sorrel, lemonade, magnum, front end lifter, agony and coconut water."

Jamaican man: "Give me one large ginger beer. What kinda dessert you have?"

Waiter: "We have potato pudding, blue draws corn pudding."

Jamaican man: "Aright give me two slices of di pitata pudding. And mi want di same thing to go."

After he was finished eating, the Jamaican man asked the waiter for the bill, which came to US$15.

He took out a Jamaican $1000.00 dollar bill, placed it on the counter and told the waiter to keep di change.

The waiter was furious and told the man "we don't take Jamaican money here."

The man replied "mi come in yah and nyam Jamaican food, drink Jamaican drinks and eat Jamaican desert. If you nuh want di Jamaican dollars den tek down the..........sign outa doowah weh seh JAMAICAN RESTAURANT!!!"





Noooo Sah !?

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Mind it flip wid unu.





A Maasai Moment

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Yard Joke pic of the day

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Weh dem a go wid dis










The Ity & Fancy Cat Show Live will take over the Wyndham Kingston ballroom on Sunday, December 26, as a part of the Christmas Comedy Cook-Up.


The seventh staging of the annual comedy extravaganza will see two shows on the day, one at 5 p.m. and the other at 8:30 p.m.
Ellis international says comedy fans and lovers of high-quality entertainment can look forward to an evening of laughter blended with music and dance in a smooth, slick production conceptualised and directed by veteran comeian, writer and arts educator Owen 'Blakka' Ellis.


Under Mr. Ellis' guidance and mentorship for the past 18 years, Ity & Fancy Cat have grown immensely and their hugely popular television project, the Ity & Fancy Cat Show Live, now in preparation for its fourth season, is also growing into a major international phenomenon with video uploads from the show going viral on the internet.


Sharing stage with the hilariously outrageous duo on December 26 will be ever-popular comedic medic Dr. Michael Abrahams, eccentric crooner of humorous parodies; the crazy Rozah Roze, and Miss 'tan deh deh' phrase, Kathy Grant.






Tonto, You Be Trippin..

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Crocodile Pool

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There was a man who had nuff riches ... big car, house on the hill, gal, money and odda ray ray ray.

Many men wished to be in his shoes. Since the rich man knew this, he took it upon himself to put some of these men on a little test for his riches.

He invited them to his place and told each that if they can swim across his swimming pool without getting bitten or scratched by the crocodiles in there, they could then have anyting dem want ... his car, his gal, his house .. whatever.

All of them ketch dem fraid and said them wouldn't do it.

As he turned to start letting them out, he heard a splash in the pool, and saw one swimming across it.

When he got out, the rich man said to him, "Wow, yuh come een like Superman, yuh nuh get nuh bite or scratch ... so wha yuh want ... mi car, mi gal, mi house, what?" The guy responded, "Mi no wha none a yuh riches again, mi jus wha know a which man push mi in dey"!





Father’s Day Joke: Brag about parents

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An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"





Yard Joke : The Ras ina Court

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A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child?

The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody"

The judge turns to the dread and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?"

The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said,

"Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ...

'I and I' or the machine?





Chuckle a Day

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After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a worn out blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her tolerance grew thin.

At last she put a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with severe warnings.

While leaving the room, she overheard her three-year-old say with a shaky voice, "Who was 'that'?"





Yard Joke Of The Day

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Driving In Kingston

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.





Yard Joke

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A Jamaican Love Poem

You're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.





Yard Joke Of The Day

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The Dunn's River Genie


A woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and- behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile, then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.

She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie. So ... what yuh want?'

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony'.

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years.

Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years! Mi good but mi nuh dat good! Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man...

You know, one that is considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking and house cleaning, is great in bed and is FAITHFUL. That's what I wish for ... a good man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, 'Mek mi see di map again!!!!'





Yard Joke Of The Day

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Monkey and Lion In The Zoo

A Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for a job, any job. Finally he got to the zoo. The zookeeper looked stressed out.

"The monkey escaped last night", the zoo-keeper said, "if you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you"


The Jamaican immediately accepted. The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.


The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawled out, "LAWD GOD, MI DEAD NOW". The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered, "Man shut yuh R@@$, if yuh evah mek mi lose di likkle wuk yuh si..."





Yard Joke Of The Day

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Country Baby Fada

A young Jamaican father-to-be living dung inna country awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!"

The doctor came over and told the father "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure,another cry was heard.The father excitedly proclaimed: "A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly bless! Glory to Gad!"

The doctor instructed, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh. Tank Jesus."

The doctor repeated, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.

The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?"





Joke Of The Day

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AA 331 Plane Crash Jamaican Eyewitness Reports

An American Airlines plane crashed and broke in two after landing at the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston on December 22, 2009. The aircraft carried over 145 passengers and crew, most of them Jamaicans coming home for the Christmas holidays. Boardlane TV news was on site to interview some of the passengers that were able to speak to us about the events that took place after the crash.

Boardlane TV: Hi sir could you could you give us a moment and tell us how are you feeling and what happened when you realized your flight crashed?

Lincoln: Lady mi sey a Jah save wi cause a di back mi dey enoh Miss and all of a sudden mi si di miggle a di plane hice up ina di air and a dat time mi a penny sey di rahtid sinting bruck ina 2. Mi all si wan suitcase drap outta di ova head bin siting and lick out wan white man flat a grung. Im mite ina di plane still kunk out an cyan git up cause everybody tep ova im ... man an woman a try cum outt before di plane boom up!

Boardlane TV : No one stopped to assist the injured man?

Lincoln: Look yah lady when plane boom flick pan dry land is all about survival yuh no seeit. Every man fi dem self cause yuh noh know if all a nex suitcase a goh shoot out fram di ova head sinting an lick yuh out.. Trus mi!

Boardlane TV : Ok sir thanks very much and glad you are Ok.. Miss Over here. Can you tell us how you feel and give us some insights on what took place on your flight?

Matilda: Glorry Glorry… I sey Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Lady a cyan talk … Sweeet Jesas. A nearly si di coming of mi Creata an mi nat even a wear desent drawz.. I sey Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Alli-jullaaa!!!

Boardlane TV: Ok Mam thanks. Hi Miss over here Boardlane TV here. Can you tell us what happened on your flight as it was landing?

Millicent: Dat Razzklaat Pilot noh know wey di Bongo Cyat im a do.. Im nearly kill aff di whole a wi ina di big Chrismus haliday yah ..a fly di Bummbeet Plane like im a deh pan Jet Ski pan di tarmac. A waan smaddy buss im Klaat an sen im back a Flying school. Dung to mi lickle 9 yr ole yout lan kite betta dan how dat suckka lan dis big ole Bongo Cyat plane.. cho Blood Kleet .. come outta mi way yah man.

Boardlane TV: Oookk?? Clearly she is upset with the pilot and understandably so. Let’s see .. Little one can you come over here and talk with us..How are you doing?

Celine: Mi cyan fine mi mummy. Yuh si har fi mi?

Boardlane TV: No but maybe you can describe her and we can get some help for you.

Celine: Mi mummy have wan b@tty big an wear wan Burgundy head weave..an har finga nail dem have Chrismuss tree paint pan dem.. When di plane crash shi tek aff an run wey lef mi… like shi figat sey shi have pickney pan di plane wid har.. Dats how shi behave when har head tek har yuh mam ..shi noh memba nutten bout mi.

Boardlane TV : Oh no. Go to the officer and find some help. Be safe. Let’s get one more comment from this gentleman. Hi sir do you care to comment on the incident that just took place?

Percy: Sure I would loves to comments. Miss Lady, I and my mistress was in the bock aff di plane han was very hestinguished when wi realize dot di plane do nat landed good pan di runaway. So I jess tell di mistress to pick up di suitcase dem han faller backa me.

Boardlane TV : You made her carry both suitcases by herself?

Percy : What mek yuh hosk? Yuh noh si how shi strapting an have trang back? A wan cow dis yuh noh lady! Anyways hofta shi falla backs a me, wi truck aff troo di side exit door an landed ina wan whole heapa gravel. Si hall my helbow chip up fram di rackstone dem an yuh si mi mistress nat even get a scrotch how shi tough. Dats why mi loves her so. A very trong women dis. Wi aroight dowes.. just wont to find a batroom now fi change mi brief. Mi cyan ston ina di pee-pee no longer.


Boardlane TV : Ok Sir God bless you and the mistress. Well ladies and gentlemen there you have it. A very lucky set of passengers given the serioness of the accident.We will have more comments from passengers as they get sorted out.

Boardlane TV: We are now back on the air speaking with a few more of the passengers from flight 331. Mister can you step over here and have a chat with us. How are you doing.. you look a little Shaken up?

Trevor : Bway I neva experience anyting like dis ina my life sistren. A lissen mi a lissen some trune pan mi Ipod an feel di plane a skid wey to blurtnaught. Di betern nex to mi look out a di window an start bawl out sey wi ago drap ina sea wata to birdbeak!. Lady mi start pray unto Jah cause I man cyan swim a lick an plus mi all hear sey nuff Alligator ina di sea.

Boardlane TV: Alligators in the sea sir? Where have you heard such a thing? That’s not true.

Trevor : Yuh a fool man .. Alligata ina di sea mi sey. Nuff time mi si dem lie dung pan di banking when mi a fly out.. soh mi noh know wey yuh a chat sey. If wid di crash ina di sea an hear sey Alligata nyam up all a wi wey yuh woulda sey eeh? How unu can behave like a ongle unu wan have educatian soh? Tek man fi fool an illeterate.. GO WEY!!

Boardlane TV: Ok. Clearly that is a very misguided passenger but we are glad he wasn’t eaten by Alligators nonetheless. Looks like another shaken passenger heading our way. Over here sir. Can you tell us what this experience was like for you?

Neville: Ioyoo cyooon taalkk naw iss.. mknot a ood hime

Boardlane TV: Sir what are saying? I’m sorry we can’t hear you so good. Repeat that.

Neville’s Daughter: Sarry lady.. Papa cyan talk to yah now …im false teet fly outta im mout when im head lick up pan di seat. Nat a soul cyan fine di teet all now. Gad eeh know how dis man a goh nyam im Chrismuss dinna now widout’en di teet. Lawd a mercy pan wi Pupa Jesas!

Boardlane TV: Ok Sorry to hear that. Well let's hope he will have a Merry Christmas despite his missing teeth. God bless you. Hi Hi young man come and talk to us over here. What’s going through you mind after going through what just occurred?

Rorie: Yuh really waan know what a goh troo my mine sistren? Is a spliff I waan bun yuh noh seeit.. jah rastafari know. Dem kina ting wi mash up yuh nerval system when rasta dey pan plane an it bruck up wid yuh ina it yuh noh seeit . Mi teet dem noh tap rakkle fram mi lef outta di plane. I man need a weefah fi calm I nerves but di bloodseed police bway dem a walk roun wid di sniffa daag dem sed speed mek I man cyan draw fi di good herb. **Chaaaaa** Easy yaah mi sistren .. I an I ago get ouuta dis Babylon cage..zeen? More time!

Boardlane TV: Ok we have time for just one more passenger .. Looks like this lady is one of the more injured. Lets see what she has to say.. Sppptttt can you share with Boadlane TV how you got your injuries?

Silvia: Noh wan b@ttybway push mi dung a try race mi outta di plane mam. Mi sey dem noh have no mannas enoh lady. Imagine dis American Airlines likle punk fling mi dung ina fuss class an kick mi ina mi side when a jump ova mi.. Mi sey if a neva fi mi artritis ina mi right han a tump im dung if a eva si im bout yah. Look how mi frack dutty up like mi naah come fram nohweh!

Boardlane TV: Wait a minute you said he was an American Airline person?

Silvia: Yes lady! A wan a di Hair hostess bway do mi soh .. All yuh hear dem a chat bout lef plane ardaly in case of emergency dem a di fuss wan a bulldoza yuh when plane crash. Dem is jus like dem dam hooligan yuh si a stage show. Dam set a viagro dem ..Lady dem only ina di stoosh unifarm like dem desent but dem noh betta dan di hag dem yuh si ina pig style. Dutty Jankro dem!

Boardlane TV: Very interesting. Well there you have it folks. A very traumatic day for the passengers as you have you heard. We wish all a pleasant evening and thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.





Joke of the Day

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1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
----------------------------------------------


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
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4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
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5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
----------------------------------------------


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
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7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)





Joke of the Day-Five Surgeons

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skin teeth.jpg
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.



The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."



The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."



The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."



The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."





Joke Of The Day

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Photographer Works
joke_095.jpgThere was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.


However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.


The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.


So what's the moral of the story?


The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.





Joke Of The Day

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smiley_lol.gifWhile on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.



When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.



All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.



To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
No Comments

skin teeth.jpgMary had a likkle lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes down quite a treat, with rice and hard dough bread.Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair said Simple Simon to de Pieman, what have you got there? said de Pieman unto Simon, pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall all de kings horses and all de kings men, said "cha , 'im, only a egg."

Jack and Jill went up de hill to have a likkle fun. Idyat Jill forget she pill and now them have a son.





Yard Nursery rhymes

Webmin
No Comments

EdwardsLivingWillLaughingEmoticon.jpg
Mary had a likkle lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes down quite a treat,

with rice and hard dough bread.



Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.

Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,

What have you got there?

Said de Pieman unto Simon,

Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!





A Yardie n Trini at Breakfast

Webmin
13 Comments

EdwardsLivingWillLaughingEmoticon.gif
A Yardie is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Yardie ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation



Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread?"



Yardie (in a bad mood): "Of course"



Trini (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad we does only eat what's inside. The crust, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans".





Short Jokes

Webmin
4 Comments

EdwardsLivingWillLaughingEmoticon.gif
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.



2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.



3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.





Genie

Webmin
6 Comments

joke_095.jpg
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.



She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH genie...... So... is wah yuh want?"



The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."





Labor Pains

Webmin
6 Comments

joke_095.jpg
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the UPS man dead on the porch





Joke of the day

Webmin
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joke_095.jpg
A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.


The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a new BMW 740i. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Jamaican produces the title and everything checks out... The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.


Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'


The Jamaican replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'


The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the garage, windows down and sunroof open. The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away, 'We run things, things no run we, everything we do, it done properly.'





Joke of the day

Webmin
6 Comments

joke_095.jpgIn a recent trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called to the witness stand his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy.



The attorney approached her and asked, "Miss Ivy, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes of course me know you! Mr. Williams. Me know you since you was a likkle pissing tail pickney, and wata big disappointment you is to you family. You is a ole liard, you cheat pan yuh wife, yuh chat people bizniz, and yuh red-eye, grudgeful and licky-licky. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you will never amoun to nuttin more dan a two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know yuh very well alright!!"



The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?" She looked over at the defense attorney and replied, "Of course, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a likkle bwoy too. Him lazy, and good-fe-nothing, him boasy, and him always a gwaan like him white. Him caan build nuh normal relationship with any woman 'cause him a Battyman unda covah. Fe him law practice a di worse eena Jamaica. Him chat nuff, him a ole teef, him dutty and nasty. A three different woman an four man me hear seh him a grind undah covah, an one a di woman dem a you missis (points at juror memeber)!! Yes sah, me know him well." The defense attorney almost died of embarrassment.



The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you rassclawt bastards ask her if she knows me, a gwine lock up oonu rass eena jail fe contempt!."





Joke of the day

Webmin
4 Comments

Jamaican Amtrak Tale
joke_095.jpg

Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.



"Watch the ride my yute!" answers a Jamaican.



They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.



The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.



So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my yute!!" says a Jamaican.



When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".





Joke of the day

Webmin
3 Comments

Blind Man Test
joke_095.jpgA blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu. "Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu". Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"



A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!" Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.



Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli."



The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Dawn, rub this fork on your panties." Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Rass mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!"





Joke of the day

Webmin
1 Comment

joke_095.jpgThree engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.


"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".


The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.


The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.


"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.


"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."





Joke of the day

Webmin
1 Comment

joke_095.jpgThere were three men from the Caribbean living together in London ; a Trinidadian , a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh, fancy and very expensive restaurant they came up with a plan. The Trinidadian went in first.

After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave. Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine . When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!"


The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan , and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go. Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.


Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so................ But Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss,that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"





Joke of the day

Webmin
5 Comments

joke_095.jpgA Rasta man walks into a bank with a black scandal bag, after waiting in the line for a couple of minutes it was time for the teller to attend to him. The tell greeted with a grin and asked "may i help you sir" the rasta man handed over the scandal bag to the tell and says yes. The tell opened the bag and asked "what must i do with this" the rasta man replied "mi wah open a joint account wid dat deh sintin inna di bag"









Joke of the day

Webmin
7 Comments

a569~s200x200.gifWance apan a time Breda Anancy mek up im mind seh im gwine callect all a de camman sense inna de wurl. Im was tinking dat he would be de smartest smaddy in de wurl ef im do dis. So Anancy traveled all ova de wurl collecting camman sense. Im go to big countries an likkle ones. Im go to primary schools and universities. Im go to govament offices and businesses. Im go people house and dem work place.



Im tek all de zillions camman sense he had collected fram around the wurl and put it a big calabash. Im tek de calabash wid im to im backyard and climbed a big gwangu tree. His plan was to store it at de tap of the tree for safety-keeping. Nobady woulda get to it but Anancy.



To mek sure it was safe Anancy tie the calabash to de front of his bady. Dis slow down im progress up de tree to a slow crawl. Im did look very clumsy a-go up de tree wid be-caw the calabash dida hamper im.



As im was slowing going up toward de top a de tree a likkle girl below called out to im. Anancy, mek you nuh tie the calabash pon you back insteada in front of yuh. It will git up de tree much fasta and ez-a.



Anancy was bex be-cah de likkle girl show im up for not thinking. She had more good sense dan him he thought. He called out to her “Mi did tink me collected all the camman sense fram all ova de wurl”



He was so angry dat im fling the calabash to the to the groung and it bust. All of the camman sense im did callect fly back to all ova de wurl.



An dat's how you and I manage to have just a likkle common sense for we-self tideh.



Jack Mandora, me tell yuh no lie!!!





Anancy and The Cricket Match

Webmin
4 Comments

anancy2.jpgOnce upon a time, Brother Anancy had a plan to go to the cricket match in town, which was far away. He did not have enough money so he came up with a plan. He went to see Brother Snake and Brother Rabbit, who also wanted to see the cricket match but did not have enough money. However they had just a little more money than Anancy did. Anancy told them to meet him at the train station in the morning at 5:00 a.m. and bring what little money they had. He told them he could get them all there if they shared the food with him, which they would buy with the extra money. They agreed. The next morning Anancy met Brother Snake and Brother Rabbit at the station.



They were excited as they saw the train coming and going. He told them he would get them to the match but they had to trust him with their money. They hesitated but then he explained that they would have spending money if they trust him. He also requested he hold all the money for safekeeping. He told them that he would keep the extra money and the tickets.





The Bacon Tree

Webmin
4 Comments

joke_095.jpgTwo Jamaican badmen are walking through a rural area.

They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.

They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"

So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"

The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham
bush!"





Joke of the day

Webmin
4 Comments

Psalms 23 - Jamaican Version
joke_095.jpgThe Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi

Ah Him ah remind mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teeth.

Ah Him ah remind mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.

Him ah stap mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision dem, so mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an' tun' all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy so mi no haffi go ah prison, an' live mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.

Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behind mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an' ah old body dat kyaan' mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!

Him presence, Him peace, an' Him power ah go si mi through.

Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hardworking self, though mi have three set a degree an' diploma.

Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi, an' me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an' bun di whole place ah grung.

Fi Him faithfulness an' love betta dan any bonus check (but yu simi, a check woulda help out some time).

Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha 'appen out yah tiday.

When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time ... So Tank Yuh Lord.





Joke of the day

Webmin
4 Comments

joke_095.jpgThis mad dread locks man named kiddy liked my mother and when ever he sees her she would run and hide.

one day my mom was on the verandah with my sister and she spotted kiddy coming into the yard and ran into my gran aunts room to hide.

kiddy came upon the veradah calling my mom and saying he had seen her so she can come out.

now my gran aunt a big time coward took brave heart and went out to tell kiddy that my mom is not there and who he saw was two country girls who came to visit.

my aunt was fearful and wanted to get away
so she lied and told kiddy that she's not feeling too well.
so kiddy said he would pray for her... he then put his hand on her head and started praying.

while he's praying all of a sudden kiddy shouted and said "RISE!!!!! my gran aunt with no hesitation jump up quick to his order. so mom asked her why she jump so quickly.... she said because she heard that he was praying for a woman the week before and he told her to rise and she did not and he gave the woman a lick in ar head.





Anancy an Ratta

Webmin
5 Comments

joke_095.jpgOnce upon a time, Bredda Ratta was a very facety and highfalutin fella. Him use to dress up himself ina de lates style an fashion an show off himself an gwan like sey him did better dan everybody else.

So Bredda Anancy meck up him mine fi cut dung Bredda Rat to size. An Bredda Nancy tink up him brain an tink up him brain how him gwine manage fi ketch Bredda Rat an lowrate him, an den baps, Bredda Nancy memba sey dat Bredda Rat love dance so till no more no lef. Every drum knock Ratta de deh a cut figure. De one ting Bredda Ratta couldn’t resist was music.

So den Nancy gi out seh dat him gwine meck a big dance, an him invite Bredda Ratta to de ball.

Anancy shine up him dance floor shine an slippery like glass.

Anancy was a fiddler at de dance, an as Bredda Rata walks into de dance hall so Anancy start play sweet tune pon de fiddle an sing seh,





Buju Banton - Driver A - Lyrics Translation

Webmin
7 Comments

joke_095.jpgI would certainly appreciate it if you could take this package down the road for me.
Please while you are on your journey might I implore you not to speak to anyone.
Follow my instructions; it is imperative that everything goes according to plan.
May your journey be a safe one.

chorus

Driver please avoid unnecessary stoppages as you deliver this package of marijuana at Alba Mall
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of you not stopping along the way
Collect the funds and make a hasty retreat
Driver be very wary of members of the Constabulary Force as they have set up quite a few speed traps along the path you have to travel.





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
4 Comments

Monkey and Lion In The Zoo

joke_095.jpgA Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for a job, any job. Finally he got to the zoo. The zookeeper looked stressed out.

"The monkey escaped last night", the zoo-keeper said, "if you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you"

The Jamaican immediately accepted. The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the
kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out
of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.

The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawled out, "LAWD GOD, MI DEAD NOW". The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered, "Man shut yuh raas, if yuh evah mek mi lose di likkle wuk yuh si..."





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
2 Comments

A Jamaican Poem
joke_095.jpgYou're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.





Mi Granny Always Used To Seh ...

Webmin
No Comments

joke_095.jpg... Yuh wing soon clip

... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow

... Puss an dawg nuh have de same luck

... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad

... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten

... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near

... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina

... Yuh head faver johncrow airport

... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest

... It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet

... But unu see mi dying trial!!

... Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn"

... If yuh don't hear yuh will feel

... Yuh free paper soon burn

... Yuh more harm than hurt

... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near

... It holey holey but it clean

... But cuh pon yuh too

... Use deh one stone an kill deh two bird

... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat

... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
12 Comments

American: Porch
Jamaican: Varanda

American: Bathe, Shower
Jamaican: Bade, Hol' A Fresh

American: Collard Greens, Spinach
Jamaican: Callaloo

American: Stick Shift (Car)
Jamaican: Standard

American: Charge It
Jamaican: Trus' It

American: Can You Give Me A Lift To The Corner
Jamaican: Beg Yu A Ride Go Dung Di Street Noh Sah

American: Oh My God!
Jamaican: Lawd A Mercy

American: Excuse Me
Jamaican: Beg Yu Pardon

American: "You Wanna Fight?", Or "You Want A Piece Of Me"
Jamaican: "Touch A Button!" "Touch A Button"

American: Where Are You Going?
Jamaican: Weh Yuh Deh Go?

American: Excuse Me
Jamaican: Gi Mi Pass

American: Sorry
Jamaican: Hush

American: The Shoes Is A Little Tight
Jamaican: Lawd Di Boot A Bun Mi

American: Oh Stop It You're Killing Me
Jamaican: Lawd Ma Top Eh Man Yuh A Go Kill Me

American: I Do Not Practice Oral Sex
Jamaican: Mi Nuh Bow!!!





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
4 Comments

joke_095.jpgAn old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.
The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:
Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tiefall kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
2 Comments

joke_095.jpgA man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."





Joke Of The Day

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joke_095.jpgAn airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"





Joke Of The Day

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joke_095.jpgJoe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."





Joke Of The Day

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joke_095.jpg
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"





Joke of the Day

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Seventh Day Adventist
joke_095.jpgA Jamaican walks into a bar in Miami, orders three Red Stripe and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a beer goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Jamaican replies, "Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna Toronto, the other dey a London, and mi deya a Miami. When we all left home, we promised to drink this way to remember the days when we drank in MoBay. So mi drink one for each ah meh bredda and one for meh self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice Jamaican custom, and leaves it there. The Jamaican becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Jamaican looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine,"

He explains, "It's just that I joined The Seventh Day Adventist Church and I personally had to stop drinking”





Joke Of The Day

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3 Comments

lol.jpgA little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"





Joke of The Day

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Joke01.jpgA blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."





Joke Of The Day

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3 Comments

Joke01.jpgOne day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Shabba, where'd you get that truck?!?'

'Wendy gave it to me' Shabba replied.
'She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Shabba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!'

'Shabba, you're a smart man!'
'Them clothes woulda never fit you!'





Joke Of The Day

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Joke01.jpgA Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocho wanted to take a day off work to go into Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over.

"Obediah, ah have to go to Kingston today, but ah want you to keep the clinic open; just in case any patients come in. Yuh tink you cyan handle it?"

"Yes, sah, yes sah!" answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge.

The following day, the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, "So how tings went yesterday?"

"I had was to treat t'ree patients," said Obie proudly.

"De fuss one seh 'im have a bad 'eadache, so mi give 'im two Tylenol."

"De second one seh 'im belly a hot him bad, bad, so mi give him some Maalox."

"Good work, good work," said the doctor, 'And what about di t'ird patient?"

"Well, sah, dis ooman bust through de door. And she tear off all she clothes sah! Me seh, every last piece of she clothes, sah. An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and spread her legs dem.Den she shout out, "Help mi! Fi five years now mi nuh see any man!"

"Lawd, God man." exclaimed the doctor, "So what yuh do?"

"Mi put drops inna her eye dem sah!' replied Obie proudly





Joke Of The Day

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Joke01.jpgA guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."





Joke Of The Day

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Joke01.jpgA man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.





Joke Of The Day

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Joke01.jpgA Lady was travelling along Caledonia road in Mandeville, when she was involved in a traffic accident with a man who was driving a car. They both agreed to go to a nearby police station to make a report.

Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:

Lady: Mawning offica

Officer: Mawning Maam

Lady: I'm here to report an accident

Officer: Go ahead Maam

Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.

Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.

Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.





Joke of the day

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6 Comments

Joke01.jpgAn 85-year-old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, its like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied, Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldnt get the jar open.





Joke of the day

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Joke01.jpgA girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the r egister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
T he boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'





By: Wade Cameron - an avid fan
bolt200 copy.jpgHow they came with pouring rain

Deterring your focus, but your drive, they couldn't change

Your determination and will, they couldn't detain

How you charged the skies with your loud thunderous claps

Leaving everyone else, in their tracks

Underestimating you they did

A powerful dot, they couldn't see your will

Like a moment in time, you allowed history to remain still

Showcasing your talents and all your skills

With your loud thunderous roll, you put the rest of the world on hold

Showing your vigorous force

Increasing your terror, to warn others you're coming

The wind blew with tremendous fury like the whistling hurricane

Trying to change your course

But like the human torch

You burned with desire

Knowing you'll be standing

Look who's crossed the finish line...

Patiently waiting





Joke of The Day

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23 Comments

Joke01.jpgThe priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?' All the men stood up.

'No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up.

'No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up !

'No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,
has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!





Joke of the day

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Joke01.jpgA little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said...you got male!

---------------------------





Jokes for the day

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My Dad's Better Than Your Dad

Joke01.jpgWhen Jesus was a kid He was sitting around with some friends. One of the kids says "My dads a fireman and he's better than yours!" ; another says "Well my dads a police man so he's better than yours!" Jesus looks at this and says "Well my Dads God, and He created you, you, you, and you so there!"

---------------------------------
Why doesn't a grasshopper ever goes to a football match...he prefers cricket.

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Yard Jokes: Sugar Free

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sugar-free.jpg
A Jamaican man went into a store and picked up a bottle of juice and a bag of sugar and only paid for the juice and walked out.

He got arrested for stealing the sugar and when he went to court the judge asked him why he stole the sugar?

He replied: "Yuh Honor ... Mi nah tief no sugar ......mi look pon de back ah di juice and... it said sugar FREE"




Yard Jokes: Things a Jamaican would never do

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Yuh eva see Jamaicans a climb mountain wid flag and claim victory when dem reach de top?

Yuh eva see we ah hang out inna di miggle ah di Amazon jungle?
Fi wah reason???

Yuh eva see we inna sea, bout we looking fi di Great White Shark
No sah - wi watch it pon TV

Yuh eva see a Jamaican acting pon big screen going into a haunted house and asking ... Trevah you in deh?" If him foolish enuf fi go ina di haunted house him an di duppy dem can tan in deh.

Yuh eva hear a Jamaican man seh ... "no honey ... no need to cook rice and peas wid oxtail and a little chicken pon a Sunday ... mek wi eat a light salad instead." Try yuh best ... not pon yu life.

Yuh eva si a Jamaican wey luv talk over people food ... put dem face inna it an sey dat looks and smell good? No sah! Dat wi cause fight.

Yuh eva see Jamaican tek meat outta fridge and stick it inna oven widout lickle seasoning?

Yuh eva hear Jamaican inna di werk place ah talk bout how much time him wife mek him sleep pon di couch? Crazy tings dat, cause even if she shut di door she expect him fi kick it open.

Yuh eva si a Jamaican have dem dog a lick dem face? Yuh mad?

Yuh eva see yawd ppl have dem dog sleep inna di same bed wid dem? Or dawg inna di couch and when dawg get up dem go lay down innna di same couch inna di same spat? Yuh eva see yawd people kiss dem dawg pon di mout? Yuh eva hear seh yawd people tek 5 days off from work because dem puss dead?
Yuh eva hear a Jamaican madda innna a store a tell dem pickney "no sweetheart, you can't have that, please put it back on the shelf"
Instead, yuh will hear someting like dis ... "lissen yah pickney, mi nah walk a street an pick up money, put dung di blassted sweetie dem an no badda mi peace tiday, yuh hear mi"?

Yuh eva see Jamaican do any wuk afta dem get pay pon Friday. All di manager dem a play domino round a back.




The Secret To A Long Marriage

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long-marriage-secret.jpg
At the Parish Church, they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, Father asked Rufus, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Rufus replied to the assembled husbands - "Well, mi try treat har real nice, treat her with respeck, spend money on her, and best of all, mi tek her to Cuba for wi 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Rufus, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ..." 

Rufus proudly responded, "Well, mi ah go back to Cuba fi har."




Long Flight

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long-flight.jpg
A stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on Air Jamaica when the stranger turned to the Jamaican and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 

The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his walkman, turned it down, and said to the stranger, "Wha yu like fe discuss, Sah?" 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger thinking that he would stump the Jamaican, he said, "Nuclear power?"
"Aaaright," said the Jamaican. "dat could be one in-tresting topic. But mek me ask yu one question fus" . 
"Go ahead, said the stranger". 
"A donkey, a cow an deer all eat grass, rite? Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow tun out flat patties, an donkey produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" 
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." 
"Well, den," said the Jamaican, "How in de world is it dat yu feel qualified fe discuss nuclear power wen yu don't even know crap?




Yard Jokes

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Only in Jamaica!


Only in Jamaica, you'll have police cars parked at some rum bar! 
Only in Jamaica, a waiter can tell you to hold on, he's watching the football game! 
Only in Jamaica, the more mess a politician mek, the more pay him get! 
Only in Jamaica can a thief hold you up and ask you to walk with more money next time! 
Only in Jamaica, SUV can't pass road test! 
Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman! 
Only in Jamaica, you can borrow someone else side of the road to drive on until yours get better! 
Only in Jamaica, every Chinese person is called "Missa" or "Miss" Chin


Rasta Visit

rasta-visit.jpg
A Rasta man went to visit an old family friend.  The Rasta man knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: "A WHO DAT"

Rastaman:  " I AND I, JAH RASTAFARI, KING OF KINGS, LORD OF LORD: CONQUERING LION OF THE TRIBE OF JUDAH, SON OF HAILE SELASSIE I"

The person inside replied: "A ME ONE DEY YAH, AN MI NAH OPEN DE DOOR FI SO MUCH AH OONU".





Yard Joke Of The Day: Go Get Yuh Madda

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A boy and his father from rural Jamaica were visting America for the first time.

The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Ah whaddat, daddy?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, mi nevah see nuting so inna my life! Mi nuh know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, sexy 19-year-old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh Madda!"




Jamaicanjokes.com presents: The Jamaican MP

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While crossing the street one day a Jamaican MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We have never had a Jamaican high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." 

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. 

Everyone is shaking his hand, and reminiscing about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises to heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?" 

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning ... Today you voted!




Yard Joke - Jamaican on a Ship

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On a ship an American, an English man, and a Jamaican were sailing. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop something in the sea; if I find it I will eat you ... If I can't, then I will be your slave!"

The American dropped a diamond. The Devil quickly found it and ate him.

The English man dropped tiny platinum piece. The Devil found it and ate him too.

Now it's the Jamaican man's turn .... He proceeded to open a bottle of water, and poured it in the sea! His words to the Devil, "Yeah man, find that bloodclaat nuh!!! Yuh tink seh jamaicans a idiot?"
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It was high drama and a very greasy situation on Lyndhurst Road in Kingston yesterday (March 30, 2009), as Patrick Marshall - a garage operator - stripped to his underwear and thoroughly covered himself in grease in order to prevent his imminent arrest by policemen who were at his business place.

Marshall took off all his clothes except his boxers, then proceeded to grease every part of his body in order to make it as difficult as possible for the police to hold and arrest him. According to Marshall, the police officers came to help a customer reclaim a vehicle from his garage, a vehicle that Marshall was refusing to release because he claims the customer owes him J$114,000 in storage fees and refuses to pay this sum.

Marshall was at least succesful for the day. The policemen were unable to arrest him and because of the intervention of other police officers, the vehicle was not allowed to be removed from his garage.
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Yard Joke Of the Day - Wednesday, September 14, 2011

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Nancy

An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.

The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:


Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tief all kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.


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Call di Grung Gad!

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Bounty Killa's Church Sermon

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Jamaican "Resta-rant" or what

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A Jamaican man coming to the US for the first time went into a Jamaican restaurant and asked the waitress "what kinda Jamaican food unno sell?"

To which the waiter replied, "Well we have oxtail, curried goat, curry chicken, tripe & beans, cook-up salt fish and ackee & salt fish."

Jamaican man: "Tell de man them seh give me one oxtail dinner wid some curry goat gravy. What kinda Jamaican drinks you have?"

Waiter: "Ginger beer, sorrel, lemonade, magnum, front end lifter, agony and coconut water."

Jamaican man: "Give me one large ginger beer. What kinda dessert you have?"

Waiter: "We have potato pudding, blue draws corn pudding."

Jamaican man: "Aright give me two slices of di pitata pudding. And mi want di same thing to go."

After he was finished eating, the Jamaican man asked the waiter for the bill, which came to US$15.

He took out a Jamaican $1000.00 dollar bill, placed it on the counter and told the waiter to keep di change.

The waiter was furious and told the man "we don't take Jamaican money here."

The man replied "mi come in yah and nyam Jamaican food, drink Jamaican drinks and eat Jamaican desert. If you nuh want di Jamaican dollars den tek down the..........sign outa doowah weh seh JAMAICAN RESTAURANT!!!"





Noooo Sah !?

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Mind it flip wid unu.





A Maasai Moment

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Yard Joke pic of the day

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Weh dem a go wid dis










The Ity & Fancy Cat Show Live will take over the Wyndham Kingston ballroom on Sunday, December 26, as a part of the Christmas Comedy Cook-Up.


The seventh staging of the annual comedy extravaganza will see two shows on the day, one at 5 p.m. and the other at 8:30 p.m.
Ellis international says comedy fans and lovers of high-quality entertainment can look forward to an evening of laughter blended with music and dance in a smooth, slick production conceptualised and directed by veteran comeian, writer and arts educator Owen 'Blakka' Ellis.


Under Mr. Ellis' guidance and mentorship for the past 18 years, Ity & Fancy Cat have grown immensely and their hugely popular television project, the Ity & Fancy Cat Show Live, now in preparation for its fourth season, is also growing into a major international phenomenon with video uploads from the show going viral on the internet.


Sharing stage with the hilariously outrageous duo on December 26 will be ever-popular comedic medic Dr. Michael Abrahams, eccentric crooner of humorous parodies; the crazy Rozah Roze, and Miss 'tan deh deh' phrase, Kathy Grant.






Tonto, You Be Trippin..

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Crocodile Pool

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2 Comments






There was a man who had nuff riches ... big car, house on the hill, gal, money and odda ray ray ray.

Many men wished to be in his shoes. Since the rich man knew this, he took it upon himself to put some of these men on a little test for his riches.

He invited them to his place and told each that if they can swim across his swimming pool without getting bitten or scratched by the crocodiles in there, they could then have anyting dem want ... his car, his gal, his house .. whatever.

All of them ketch dem fraid and said them wouldn't do it.

As he turned to start letting them out, he heard a splash in the pool, and saw one swimming across it.

When he got out, the rich man said to him, "Wow, yuh come een like Superman, yuh nuh get nuh bite or scratch ... so wha yuh want ... mi car, mi gal, mi house, what?" The guy responded, "Mi no wha none a yuh riches again, mi jus wha know a which man push mi in dey"!





Father’s Day Joke: Brag about parents

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An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"

"Yes," said the Navy brat.

"My dad has built them."

Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"

"Yes."

"It's my dad who's killed it!"





Yard Joke : The Ras ina Court

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A Rasta and his Empress are in court getting a divorce. The problem was, who should get custody of the child?

The Empress jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody"

The judge turns to the dread and says, "What do you have to say in the matter?"

The Rasta sat for a while contemplating ... then slowly rose and said,

"Yow ... your Honour, If I and I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi come out, a who fa Pepsi ...

'I and I' or the machine?





Chuckle a Day

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After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a worn out blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her tolerance grew thin.

At last she put a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with severe warnings.

While leaving the room, she overheard her three-year-old say with a shaky voice, "Who was 'that'?"





Yard Joke Of The Day

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Driving In Kingston

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and
are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your
spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.





Yard Joke

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A Jamaican Love Poem

You're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.





Yard Joke Of The Day

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The Dunn's River Genie


A woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and- behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile, then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.

She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH Genie. So ... what yuh want?'

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony'.

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousands of years.

Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred of dem dey years! Mi good but mi nuh dat good! Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one. Do Lady, mek another wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man...

You know, one that is considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking and house cleaning, is great in bed and is FAITHFUL. That's what I wish for ... a good man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, 'Mek mi see di map again!!!!'





Yard Joke Of The Day

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Monkey and Lion In The Zoo

A Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for a job, any job. Finally he got to the zoo. The zookeeper looked stressed out.

"The monkey escaped last night", the zoo-keeper said, "if you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you"


The Jamaican immediately accepted. The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.


The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawled out, "LAWD GOD, MI DEAD NOW". The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered, "Man shut yuh R@@$, if yuh evah mek mi lose di likkle wuk yuh si..."





Yard Joke Of The Day

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Country Baby Fada

A young Jamaican father-to-be living dung inna country awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!"

The doctor came over and told the father "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard. The father cried out: "Praise di Laad! A wan boy! Me a de proud faada a wan baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!". The father again complied, and to be sure,another cry was heard.The father excitedly proclaimed: "A wan twin!! Mi get twin baby! Me doubly bless! Glory to Gad!"

The doctor instructed, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard! The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh. Tank Jesus."

The doctor repeated, "Hold up di lamp higher. Hold di lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard. The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.

The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold up di lamp higher man. Hold di lamp higher nuh!" The father then asked; "Doc, yuh tink maybe a di light a attrac dem?"





Joke Of The Day

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AA 331 Plane Crash Jamaican Eyewitness Reports

An American Airlines plane crashed and broke in two after landing at the Norman Manley International Airport in Kingston on December 22, 2009. The aircraft carried over 145 passengers and crew, most of them Jamaicans coming home for the Christmas holidays. Boardlane TV news was on site to interview some of the passengers that were able to speak to us about the events that took place after the crash.

Boardlane TV: Hi sir could you could you give us a moment and tell us how are you feeling and what happened when you realized your flight crashed?

Lincoln: Lady mi sey a Jah save wi cause a di back mi dey enoh Miss and all of a sudden mi si di miggle a di plane hice up ina di air and a dat time mi a penny sey di rahtid sinting bruck ina 2. Mi all si wan suitcase drap outta di ova head bin siting and lick out wan white man flat a grung. Im mite ina di plane still kunk out an cyan git up cause everybody tep ova im ... man an woman a try cum outt before di plane boom up!

Boardlane TV : No one stopped to assist the injured man?

Lincoln: Look yah lady when plane boom flick pan dry land is all about survival yuh no seeit. Every man fi dem self cause yuh noh know if all a nex suitcase a goh shoot out fram di ova head sinting an lick yuh out.. Trus mi!

Boardlane TV : Ok sir thanks very much and glad you are Ok.. Miss Over here. Can you tell us how you feel and give us some insights on what took place on your flight?

Matilda: Glorry Glorry… I sey Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Lady a cyan talk … Sweeet Jesas. A nearly si di coming of mi Creata an mi nat even a wear desent drawz.. I sey Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Alli-jullaaa!!!

Boardlane TV: Ok Mam thanks. Hi Miss over here Boardlane TV here. Can you tell us what happened on your flight as it was landing?

Millicent: Dat Razzklaat Pilot noh know wey di Bongo Cyat im a do.. Im nearly kill aff di whole a wi ina di big Chrismus haliday yah ..a fly di Bummbeet Plane like im a deh pan Jet Ski pan di tarmac. A waan smaddy buss im Klaat an sen im back a Flying school. Dung to mi lickle 9 yr ole yout lan kite betta dan how dat suckka lan dis big ole Bongo Cyat plane.. cho Blood Kleet .. come outta mi way yah man.

Boardlane TV: Oookk?? Clearly she is upset with the pilot and understandably so. Let’s see .. Little one can you come over here and talk with us..How are you doing?

Celine: Mi cyan fine mi mummy. Yuh si har fi mi?

Boardlane TV: No but maybe you can describe her and we can get some help for you.

Celine: Mi mummy have wan b@tty big an wear wan Burgundy head weave..an har finga nail dem have Chrismuss tree paint pan dem.. When di plane crash shi tek aff an run wey lef mi… like shi figat sey shi have pickney pan di plane wid har.. Dats how shi behave when har head tek har yuh mam ..shi noh memba nutten bout mi.

Boardlane TV : Oh no. Go to the officer and find some help. Be safe. Let’s get one more comment from this gentleman. Hi sir do you care to comment on the incident that just took place?

Percy: Sure I would loves to comments. Miss Lady, I and my mistress was in the bock aff di plane han was very hestinguished when wi realize dot di plane do nat landed good pan di runaway. So I jess tell di mistress to pick up di suitcase dem han faller backa me.

Boardlane TV : You made her carry both suitcases by herself?

Percy : What mek yuh hosk? Yuh noh si how shi strapting an have trang back? A wan cow dis yuh noh lady! Anyways hofta shi falla backs a me, wi truck aff troo di side exit door an landed ina wan whole heapa gravel. Si hall my helbow chip up fram di rackstone dem an yuh si mi mistress nat even get a scrotch how shi tough. Dats why mi loves her so. A very trong women dis. Wi aroight dowes.. just wont to find a batroom now fi change mi brief. Mi cyan ston ina di pee-pee no longer.


Boardlane TV : Ok Sir God bless you and the mistress. Well ladies and gentlemen there you have it. A very lucky set of passengers given the serioness of the accident.We will have more comments from passengers as they get sorted out.

Boardlane TV: We are now back on the air speaking with a few more of the passengers from flight 331. Mister can you step over here and have a chat with us. How are you doing.. you look a little Shaken up?

Trevor : Bway I neva experience anyting like dis ina my life sistren. A lissen mi a lissen some trune pan mi Ipod an feel di plane a skid wey to blurtnaught. Di betern nex to mi look out a di window an start bawl out sey wi ago drap ina sea wata to birdbeak!. Lady mi start pray unto Jah cause I man cyan swim a lick an plus mi all hear sey nuff Alligator ina di sea.

Boardlane TV: Alligators in the sea sir? Where have you heard such a thing? That’s not true.

Trevor : Yuh a fool man .. Alligata ina di sea mi sey. Nuff time mi si dem lie dung pan di banking when mi a fly out.. soh mi noh know wey yuh a chat sey. If wid di crash ina di sea an hear sey Alligata nyam up all a wi wey yuh woulda sey eeh? How unu can behave like a ongle unu wan have educatian soh? Tek man fi fool an illeterate.. GO WEY!!

Boardlane TV: Ok. Clearly that is a very misguided passenger but we are glad he wasn’t eaten by Alligators nonetheless. Looks like another shaken passenger heading our way. Over here sir. Can you tell us what this experience was like for you?

Neville: Ioyoo cyooon taalkk naw iss.. mknot a ood hime

Boardlane TV: Sir what are saying? I’m sorry we can’t hear you so good. Repeat that.

Neville’s Daughter: Sarry lady.. Papa cyan talk to yah now …im false teet fly outta im mout when im head lick up pan di seat. Nat a soul cyan fine di teet all now. Gad eeh know how dis man a goh nyam im Chrismuss dinna now widout’en di teet. Lawd a mercy pan wi Pupa Jesas!

Boardlane TV: Ok Sorry to hear that. Well let's hope he will have a Merry Christmas despite his missing teeth. God bless you. Hi Hi young man come and talk to us over here. What’s going through you mind after going through what just occurred?

Rorie: Yuh really waan know what a goh troo my mine sistren? Is a spliff I waan bun yuh noh seeit.. jah rastafari know. Dem kina ting wi mash up yuh nerval system when rasta dey pan plane an it bruck up wid yuh ina it yuh noh seeit . Mi teet dem noh tap rakkle fram mi lef outta di plane. I man need a weefah fi calm I nerves but di bloodseed police bway dem a walk roun wid di sniffa daag dem sed speed mek I man cyan draw fi di good herb. **Chaaaaa** Easy yaah mi sistren .. I an I ago get ouuta dis Babylon cage..zeen? More time!

Boardlane TV: Ok we have time for just one more passenger .. Looks like this lady is one of the more injured. Lets see what she has to say.. Sppptttt can you share with Boadlane TV how you got your injuries?

Silvia: Noh wan b@ttybway push mi dung a try race mi outta di plane mam. Mi sey dem noh have no mannas enoh lady. Imagine dis American Airlines likle punk fling mi dung ina fuss class an kick mi ina mi side when a jump ova mi.. Mi sey if a neva fi mi artritis ina mi right han a tump im dung if a eva si im bout yah. Look how mi frack dutty up like mi naah come fram nohweh!

Boardlane TV: Wait a minute you said he was an American Airline person?

Silvia: Yes lady! A wan a di Hair hostess bway do mi soh .. All yuh hear dem a chat bout lef plane ardaly in case of emergency dem a di fuss wan a bulldoza yuh when plane crash. Dem is jus like dem dam hooligan yuh si a stage show. Dam set a viagro dem ..Lady dem only ina di stoosh unifarm like dem desent but dem noh betta dan di hag dem yuh si ina pig style. Dutty Jankro dem!

Boardlane TV: Very interesting. Well there you have it folks. A very traumatic day for the passengers as you have you heard. We wish all a pleasant evening and thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.





Joke of the Day

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1 Comment



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
----------------------------------------------


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
-----------------------------------------------


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
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4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
-----------------------------------------------
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
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5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
----------------------------------------------


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
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7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
-----------------------------------------------


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)





Joke of the Day-Five Surgeons

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skin teeth.jpg
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.



The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."



The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."



The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."



The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."





Joke Of The Day

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Photographer Works
joke_095.jpgThere was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.


However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.


The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.


So what's the moral of the story?


The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.





Joke Of The Day

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smiley_lol.gifWhile on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.



When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.



All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.



To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."





Joke Of The Day

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skin teeth.jpgMary had a likkle lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes down quite a treat, with rice and hard dough bread.Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair said Simple Simon to de Pieman, what have you got there? said de Pieman unto Simon, pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall all de kings horses and all de kings men, said "cha , 'im, only a egg."

Jack and Jill went up de hill to have a likkle fun. Idyat Jill forget she pill and now them have a son.





Yard Nursery rhymes

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EdwardsLivingWillLaughingEmoticon.jpg
Mary had a likkle lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes down quite a treat,

with rice and hard dough bread.



Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.

Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,

What have you got there?

Said de Pieman unto Simon,

Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!





A Yardie n Trini at Breakfast

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13 Comments

EdwardsLivingWillLaughingEmoticon.gif
A Yardie is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Yardie ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation



Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread?"



Yardie (in a bad mood): "Of course"



Trini (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad we does only eat what's inside. The crust, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans".





Short Jokes

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4 Comments

EdwardsLivingWillLaughingEmoticon.gif
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.



2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.



3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.





Genie

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6 Comments

joke_095.jpg
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.



She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH genie...... So... is wah yuh want?"



The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."





Labor Pains

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6 Comments

joke_095.jpg
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the UPS man dead on the porch





Joke of the day

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joke_095.jpg
A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.


The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a new BMW 740i. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Jamaican produces the title and everything checks out... The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.


Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'


The Jamaican replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'


The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the garage, windows down and sunroof open. The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away, 'We run things, things no run we, everything we do, it done properly.'





Joke of the day

Webmin
6 Comments

joke_095.jpgIn a recent trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called to the witness stand his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy.



The attorney approached her and asked, "Miss Ivy, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes of course me know you! Mr. Williams. Me know you since you was a likkle pissing tail pickney, and wata big disappointment you is to you family. You is a ole liard, you cheat pan yuh wife, yuh chat people bizniz, and yuh red-eye, grudgeful and licky-licky. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you will never amoun to nuttin more dan a two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know yuh very well alright!!"



The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?" She looked over at the defense attorney and replied, "Of course, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a likkle bwoy too. Him lazy, and good-fe-nothing, him boasy, and him always a gwaan like him white. Him caan build nuh normal relationship with any woman 'cause him a Battyman unda covah. Fe him law practice a di worse eena Jamaica. Him chat nuff, him a ole teef, him dutty and nasty. A three different woman an four man me hear seh him a grind undah covah, an one a di woman dem a you missis (points at juror memeber)!! Yes sah, me know him well." The defense attorney almost died of embarrassment.



The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you rassclawt bastards ask her if she knows me, a gwine lock up oonu rass eena jail fe contempt!."





Joke of the day

Webmin
4 Comments

Jamaican Amtrak Tale
joke_095.jpg

Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.



"Watch the ride my yute!" answers a Jamaican.



They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.



The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.



So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my yute!!" says a Jamaican.



When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".





Joke of the day

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3 Comments

Blind Man Test
joke_095.jpgA blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu. "Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu". Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"



A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!" Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.



Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli."



The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Dawn, rub this fork on your panties." Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Rass mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!"





Joke of the day

Webmin
1 Comment

joke_095.jpgThree engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.


"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".


The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.


The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.


"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.


"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."





Joke of the day

Webmin
1 Comment

joke_095.jpgThere were three men from the Caribbean living together in London ; a Trinidadian , a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh, fancy and very expensive restaurant they came up with a plan. The Trinidadian went in first.

After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave. Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine . When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!"


The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan , and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go. Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.


Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so................ But Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss,that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"





Joke of the day

Webmin
5 Comments

joke_095.jpgA Rasta man walks into a bank with a black scandal bag, after waiting in the line for a couple of minutes it was time for the teller to attend to him. The tell greeted with a grin and asked "may i help you sir" the rasta man handed over the scandal bag to the tell and says yes. The tell opened the bag and asked "what must i do with this" the rasta man replied "mi wah open a joint account wid dat deh sintin inna di bag"









Joke of the day

Webmin
7 Comments

a569~s200x200.gifWance apan a time Breda Anancy mek up im mind seh im gwine callect all a de camman sense inna de wurl. Im was tinking dat he would be de smartest smaddy in de wurl ef im do dis. So Anancy traveled all ova de wurl collecting camman sense. Im go to big countries an likkle ones. Im go to primary schools and universities. Im go to govament offices and businesses. Im go people house and dem work place.



Im tek all de zillions camman sense he had collected fram around the wurl and put it a big calabash. Im tek de calabash wid im to im backyard and climbed a big gwangu tree. His plan was to store it at de tap of the tree for safety-keeping. Nobady woulda get to it but Anancy.



To mek sure it was safe Anancy tie the calabash to de front of his bady. Dis slow down im progress up de tree to a slow crawl. Im did look very clumsy a-go up de tree wid be-caw the calabash dida hamper im.



As im was slowing going up toward de top a de tree a likkle girl below called out to im. Anancy, mek you nuh tie the calabash pon you back insteada in front of yuh. It will git up de tree much fasta and ez-a.



Anancy was bex be-cah de likkle girl show im up for not thinking. She had more good sense dan him he thought. He called out to her “Mi did tink me collected all the camman sense fram all ova de wurl”



He was so angry dat im fling the calabash to the to the groung and it bust. All of the camman sense im did callect fly back to all ova de wurl.



An dat's how you and I manage to have just a likkle common sense for we-self tideh.



Jack Mandora, me tell yuh no lie!!!





Anancy and The Cricket Match

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anancy2.jpgOnce upon a time, Brother Anancy had a plan to go to the cricket match in town, which was far away. He did not have enough money so he came up with a plan. He went to see Brother Snake and Brother Rabbit, who also wanted to see the cricket match but did not have enough money. However they had just a little more money than Anancy did. Anancy told them to meet him at the train station in the morning at 5:00 a.m. and bring what little money they had. He told them he could get them all there if they shared the food with him, which they would buy with the extra money. They agreed. The next morning Anancy met Brother Snake and Brother Rabbit at the station.



They were excited as they saw the train coming and going. He told them he would get them to the match but they had to trust him with their money. They hesitated but then he explained that they would have spending money if they trust him. He also requested he hold all the money for safekeeping. He told them that he would keep the extra money and the tickets.





The Bacon Tree

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4 Comments

joke_095.jpgTwo Jamaican badmen are walking through a rural area.

They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.

They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"

So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"

The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham
bush!"





Joke of the day

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4 Comments

Psalms 23 - Jamaican Version
joke_095.jpgThe Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi

Ah Him ah remind mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teeth.

Ah Him ah remind mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.

Him ah stap mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision dem, so mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an' tun' all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy so mi no haffi go ah prison, an' live mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.

Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behind mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an' ah old body dat kyaan' mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!

Him presence, Him peace, an' Him power ah go si mi through.

Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hardworking self, though mi have three set a degree an' diploma.

Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi, an' me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an' bun di whole place ah grung.

Fi Him faithfulness an' love betta dan any bonus check (but yu simi, a check woulda help out some time).

Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha 'appen out yah tiday.

When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time ... So Tank Yuh Lord.





Joke of the day

Webmin
4 Comments

joke_095.jpgThis mad dread locks man named kiddy liked my mother and when ever he sees her she would run and hide.

one day my mom was on the verandah with my sister and she spotted kiddy coming into the yard and ran into my gran aunts room to hide.

kiddy came upon the veradah calling my mom and saying he had seen her so she can come out.

now my gran aunt a big time coward took brave heart and went out to tell kiddy that my mom is not there and who he saw was two country girls who came to visit.

my aunt was fearful and wanted to get away
so she lied and told kiddy that she's not feeling too well.
so kiddy said he would pray for her... he then put his hand on her head and started praying.

while he's praying all of a sudden kiddy shouted and said "RISE!!!!! my gran aunt with no hesitation jump up quick to his order. so mom asked her why she jump so quickly.... she said because she heard that he was praying for a woman the week before and he told her to rise and she did not and he gave the woman a lick in ar head.





Anancy an Ratta

Webmin
5 Comments

joke_095.jpgOnce upon a time, Bredda Ratta was a very facety and highfalutin fella. Him use to dress up himself ina de lates style an fashion an show off himself an gwan like sey him did better dan everybody else.

So Bredda Anancy meck up him mine fi cut dung Bredda Rat to size. An Bredda Nancy tink up him brain an tink up him brain how him gwine manage fi ketch Bredda Rat an lowrate him, an den baps, Bredda Nancy memba sey dat Bredda Rat love dance so till no more no lef. Every drum knock Ratta de deh a cut figure. De one ting Bredda Ratta couldn’t resist was music.

So den Nancy gi out seh dat him gwine meck a big dance, an him invite Bredda Ratta to de ball.

Anancy shine up him dance floor shine an slippery like glass.

Anancy was a fiddler at de dance, an as Bredda Rata walks into de dance hall so Anancy start play sweet tune pon de fiddle an sing seh,





Buju Banton - Driver A - Lyrics Translation

Webmin
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joke_095.jpgI would certainly appreciate it if you could take this package down the road for me.
Please while you are on your journey might I implore you not to speak to anyone.
Follow my instructions; it is imperative that everything goes according to plan.
May your journey be a safe one.

chorus

Driver please avoid unnecessary stoppages as you deliver this package of marijuana at Alba Mall
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of you not stopping along the way
Collect the funds and make a hasty retreat
Driver be very wary of members of the Constabulary Force as they have set up quite a few speed traps along the path you have to travel.





Joke Of The Day

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4 Comments

Monkey and Lion In The Zoo

joke_095.jpgA Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for a job, any job. Finally he got to the zoo. The zookeeper looked stressed out.

"The monkey escaped last night", the zoo-keeper said, "if you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you"

The Jamaican immediately accepted. The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the
kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out
of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.

The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawled out, "LAWD GOD, MI DEAD NOW". The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered, "Man shut yuh raas, if yuh evah mek mi lose di likkle wuk yuh si..."





Joke Of The Day

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2 Comments

A Jamaican Poem
joke_095.jpgYou're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.





Mi Granny Always Used To Seh ...

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joke_095.jpg... Yuh wing soon clip

... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow

... Puss an dawg nuh have de same luck

... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad

... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten

... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near

... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina

... Yuh head faver johncrow airport

... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest

... It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet

... But unu see mi dying trial!!

... Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn"

... If yuh don't hear yuh will feel

... Yuh free paper soon burn

... Yuh more harm than hurt

... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near

... It holey holey but it clean

... But cuh pon yuh too

... Use deh one stone an kill deh two bird

... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat

... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
12 Comments

American: Porch
Jamaican: Varanda

American: Bathe, Shower
Jamaican: Bade, Hol' A Fresh

American: Collard Greens, Spinach
Jamaican: Callaloo

American: Stick Shift (Car)
Jamaican: Standard

American: Charge It
Jamaican: Trus' It

American: Can You Give Me A Lift To The Corner
Jamaican: Beg Yu A Ride Go Dung Di Street Noh Sah

American: Oh My God!
Jamaican: Lawd A Mercy

American: Excuse Me
Jamaican: Beg Yu Pardon

American: "You Wanna Fight?", Or "You Want A Piece Of Me"
Jamaican: "Touch A Button!" "Touch A Button"

American: Where Are You Going?
Jamaican: Weh Yuh Deh Go?

American: Excuse Me
Jamaican: Gi Mi Pass

American: Sorry
Jamaican: Hush

American: The Shoes Is A Little Tight
Jamaican: Lawd Di Boot A Bun Mi

American: Oh Stop It You're Killing Me
Jamaican: Lawd Ma Top Eh Man Yuh A Go Kill Me

American: I Do Not Practice Oral Sex
Jamaican: Mi Nuh Bow!!!





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
4 Comments

joke_095.jpgAn old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.
The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:
Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tiefall kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
2 Comments

joke_095.jpgA man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."





Joke Of The Day

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No Comments

joke_095.jpgAn airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
6 Comments

joke_095.jpgJoe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
1 Comment

joke_095.jpg
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"





Joke of the Day

Webmin
7 Comments

Seventh Day Adventist
joke_095.jpgA Jamaican walks into a bar in Miami, orders three Red Stripe and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a beer goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Jamaican replies, "Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna Toronto, the other dey a London, and mi deya a Miami. When we all left home, we promised to drink this way to remember the days when we drank in MoBay. So mi drink one for each ah meh bredda and one for meh self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice Jamaican custom, and leaves it there. The Jamaican becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Jamaican looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine,"

He explains, "It's just that I joined The Seventh Day Adventist Church and I personally had to stop drinking”





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
3 Comments

lol.jpgA little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"





Joke of The Day

Webmin
2 Comments

Joke01.jpgA blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
3 Comments

Joke01.jpgOne day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Shabba, where'd you get that truck?!?'

'Wendy gave it to me' Shabba replied.
'She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Shabba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!'

'Shabba, you're a smart man!'
'Them clothes woulda never fit you!'





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
11 Comments

Joke01.jpgA Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocho wanted to take a day off work to go into Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over.

"Obediah, ah have to go to Kingston today, but ah want you to keep the clinic open; just in case any patients come in. Yuh tink you cyan handle it?"

"Yes, sah, yes sah!" answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge.

The following day, the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, "So how tings went yesterday?"

"I had was to treat t'ree patients," said Obie proudly.

"De fuss one seh 'im have a bad 'eadache, so mi give 'im two Tylenol."

"De second one seh 'im belly a hot him bad, bad, so mi give him some Maalox."

"Good work, good work," said the doctor, 'And what about di t'ird patient?"

"Well, sah, dis ooman bust through de door. And she tear off all she clothes sah! Me seh, every last piece of she clothes, sah. An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and spread her legs dem.Den she shout out, "Help mi! Fi five years now mi nuh see any man!"

"Lawd, God man." exclaimed the doctor, "So what yuh do?"

"Mi put drops inna her eye dem sah!' replied Obie proudly





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
7 Comments

Joke01.jpgA guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
9 Comments

Joke01.jpgA man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.





Joke Of The Day

Webmin
12 Comments

Joke01.jpgA Lady was travelling along Caledonia road in Mandeville, when she was involved in a traffic accident with a man who was driving a car. They both agreed to go to a nearby police station to make a report.

Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:

Lady: Mawning offica

Officer: Mawning Maam

Lady: I'm here to report an accident

Officer: Go ahead Maam

Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.

Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.

Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.





Joke of the day

Webmin
6 Comments

Joke01.jpgAn 85-year-old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, its like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied, Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldnt get the jar open.





Joke of the day

Webmin
3 Comments

Joke01.jpgA girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the r egister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
T he boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'





By: Wade Cameron - an avid fan
bolt200 copy.jpgHow they came with pouring rain

Deterring your focus, but your drive, they couldn't change

Your determination and will, they couldn't detain

How you charged the skies with your loud thunderous claps

Leaving everyone else, in their tracks

Underestimating you they did

A powerful dot, they couldn't see your will

Like a moment in time, you allowed history to remain still

Showcasing your talents and all your skills

With your loud thunderous roll, you put the rest of the world on hold

Showing your vigorous force

Increasing your terror, to warn others you're coming

The wind blew with tremendous fury like the whistling hurricane

Trying to change your course

But like the human torch

You burned with desire

Knowing you'll be standing

Look who's crossed the finish line...

Patiently waiting





Joke of The Day

Webmin
23 Comments

Joke01.jpgThe priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?' All the men stood up.

'No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up.

'No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up !

'No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,
has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!





Joke of the day

Webmin
9 Comments

Joke01.jpgA little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said...you got male!

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Jokes for the day

Webmin
13 Comments

My Dad's Better Than Your Dad

Joke01.jpgWhen Jesus was a kid He was sitting around with some friends. One of the kids says "My dads a fireman and he's better than yours!" ; another says "Well my dads a police man so he's better than yours!" Jesus looks at this and says "Well my Dads God, and He created you, you, you, and you so there!"

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Why doesn't a grasshopper ever goes to a football match...he prefers cricket.

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