1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
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2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
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3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
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4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
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(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
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5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
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6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
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7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
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( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
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8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Photographer Works
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.


However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.


The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.


So what's the moral of the story?


The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant and as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

Mary had a likkle lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes down quite a treat, with rice and hard dough bread.Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair said Simple Simon to de Pieman, what have you got there? said de Pieman unto Simon, pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall all de kings horses and all de kings men, said "cha , 'im, only a egg."

Jack and Jill went up de hill to have a likkle fun. Idyat Jill forget she pill and now them have a son.

Mary had a likkle lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes down quite a treat,

with rice and hard dough bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to de fair.

Said Simple Simon to de Pieman,

What have you got there?

Said de Pieman unto Simon,

Pies, you fool whappin, you a hidiot!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All de kings horses and all de kings men, said "cha , 'im, only a egg."

Jack and Jill

Went up de hill

to have a likkle fun.

Idyat Jill forget she pill

and now them have a son.

A Yardie is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Trini man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Yardie ignores the Trini who, nevertheless, starts a conversation

Trini: "You Jamaican folk eat the whole bread?"

Yardie (in a bad mood): "Of course"

Trini (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Trinidad we does only eat what's inside. The crust, we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Jamaicans".

The Trini has a smirk on his face.

The Yardie listens in silence The Trini persits: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"

Yardie: "Of course"

Trini: (Cracking he gum wid he teet and chucklin')"We don't. In

Trinidad we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we does put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them into jam and sell the jam to the Jamaicans".

The Yardie then asks: "Do you have sex in Trinidad?"

Trini: "Why of course we do", the Trini says smirking

Yardie: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Trini: "We throw them away, of course"

Yardie: "We don't. In Jamaica we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell deh r**s dem ah Trinidad.

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon an old empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies nuh real, me is strictly a ONE-WISH genie...... So... is wah yuh want?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah wrang wid yu?
PLEASE BE REASONABLE! Dem countries yah a war fi how much thousand a years. Mi shut up inna dis bockle fi 'bout five hundred a dem dey years. Mi good but mi nuh dat good! Mi nuh know if mi can grant dis one.
Du Lady, mek annadda wish!! Mi a beg yuh... Be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right Jamaican man... You know, one that is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the cooking & house-cleaning, and is FAITHFUL. That's what I wish for...a good Jamaican man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,

"Mek mi see di map again!!!!"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the UPS man dead on the porch

In a recent trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called to the witness stand his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy.

The attorney approached her and asked, "Miss Ivy, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes of course me know you! Mr. Williams. Me know you since you was a likkle pissing tail pickney, and wata big disappointment you is to you family. You is a ole liard, you cheat pan yuh wife, yuh chat people bizniz, and yuh red-eye, grudgeful and licky-licky. You tink you is a big shot now but you no realize seh you will never amoun to nuttin more dan a two-bit paper pusher! Yes, me know yuh very well alright!!"

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?" She looked over at the defense attorney and replied, "Of course, me know Mr. Bradley since him was a likkle bwoy too. Him lazy, and good-fe-nothing, him boasy, and him always a gwaan like him white. Him caan build nuh normal relationship with any woman 'cause him a Battyman unda covah. Fe him law practice a di worse eena Jamaica. Him chat nuff, him a ole teef, him dutty and nasty. A three different woman an four man me hear seh him a grind undah covah, an one a di woman dem a you missis (points at juror memeber)!! Yes sah, me know him well." The defense attorney almost died of embarrassment.

The judge ordered both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you rassclawt bastards ask her if she knows me, a gwine lock up oonu rass eena jail fe contempt!."

Jamaican Amtrak Tale


Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.

"Watch the ride my yute!" answers a Jamaican.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.



So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my yute!!" says a Jamaican.

When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

Blind Man Test
A blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant and sits down. The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu. "Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu". Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk fish!" Unbelievable, and after the blind man leaves, the owner walks towards the kitchen and tells his Wife Dawn, the cook, what just happened.

Several days later, the blind man returns, and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remembah mi? Mi ah de blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." The owner gets a dirty fork for the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "Dat smells great! Mi will take de jerk chicken an rice wid broccoli."

The owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and figures that the next time the man comes in, he's going to test him. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Dawn, rub this fork on your panties." Dawn does it and hands the fork to her husband. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you, and I have your fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, sniffs, and says, "Rass mon, mi neva know say Dawn wuk yah!"

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.


"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".


The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.


The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.


"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.


"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London ; a Trinidadian , a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh, fancy and very expensive restaurant they came up with a plan. The Trinidadian went in first.

After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. "But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave. Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine . When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!"


The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan , and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go. Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.


Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so................ But Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss,that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"

A Rasta man walks into a bank with a black scandal bag, after waiting in the line for a couple of minutes it was time for the teller to attend to him. The tell greeted with a grin and asked "may i help you sir" the rasta man handed over the scandal bag to the tell and says yes. The tell opened the bag and asked "what must i do with this" the rasta man replied "mi wah open a joint account wid dat deh sintin inna di bag"

Wance apan a time Breda Anancy mek up im mind seh im gwine callect all a de camman sense inna de wurl. Im was tinking dat he would be de smartest smaddy in de wurl ef im do dis. So Anancy traveled all ova de wurl collecting camman sense. Im go to big countries an likkle ones. Im go to primary schools and universities. Im go to govament offices and businesses. Im go people house and dem work place.

Im tek all de zillions camman sense he had collected fram around the wurl and put it a big calabash. Im tek de calabash wid im to im backyard and climbed a big gwangu tree. His plan was to store it at de tap of the tree for safety-keeping. Nobady woulda get to it but Anancy.

To mek sure it was safe Anancy tie the calabash to de front of his bady. Dis slow down im progress up de tree to a slow crawl. Im did look very clumsy a-go up de tree wid be-caw the calabash dida hamper im.

As im was slowing going up toward de top a de tree a likkle girl below called out to im. Anancy, mek you nuh tie the calabash pon you back insteada in front of yuh. It will git up de tree much fasta and ez-a.

Anancy was bex be-cah de likkle girl show im up for not thinking. She had more good sense dan him he thought. He called out to her “Mi did tink me collected all the camman sense fram all ova de wurl”

He was so angry dat im fling the calabash to the to the groung and it bust. All of the camman sense im did callect fly back to all ova de wurl.

An dat's how you and I manage to have just a likkle common sense for we-self tideh.

Jack Mandora, me tell yuh no lie!!!

Once upon a time, Brother Anancy had a plan to go to the cricket match in town, which was far away. He did not have enough money so he came up with a plan. He went to see Brother Snake and Brother Rabbit, who also wanted to see the cricket match but did not have enough money. However they had just a little more money than Anancy did. Anancy told them to meet him at the train station in the morning at 5:00 a.m. and bring what little money they had. He told them he could get them all there if they shared the food with him, which they would buy with the extra money. They agreed. The next morning Anancy met Brother Snake and Brother Rabbit at the station.

They were excited as they saw the train coming and going. He told them he would get them to the match but they had to trust him with their money. They hesitated but then he explained that they would have spending money if they trust him. He also requested he hold all the money for safekeeping. He told them that he would keep the extra money and the tickets.

“Anancy what is the plan” they asked
“I am going to get us to the match and back with one round trip ticket” he replied.

They knew Anancy was a master trickster so they went with the plan but told him they would hold the extra money. Anancy walked over to the ticket booth & bought a one-way ticket to go to Kingston.

The train was ready & Anancy beckoned to them to follow him. They got on the train & Anancy led them all the way to toilet. "Anancy, is what are you doing?” asked Rabbit. Anancy told them, "Just be quiet man and watch the ride." He told them to get in quickly. Snake said to Anancy, "Mi nah ride like this go ah de match." Anancy replied "Just keep quite Snake, you will soon get your own seat. Jus watch de ride."

The train started to pull out & the conductor was coming down the aisle. "Tickets please." he shouted. He tapped on the toilet door & Anancy told Rabbit to slide the ticket under the door. The conductor took it & was on his way. Anancy & friends waited for 10 minutes so then they all left the toilet and found seats in the car. This was easy being it was the first train & it left at 5.00 a.m. On arrival at the station Rabbit and Snake bought breakfast. Anancy asked for some but they told him no they would share lunch. Anancy was angry but did not argue with them. They got to the cricket field early and watched the set up. Rabbit & Snake bought more food. They bought sky juice & bulla and shared none with Anancy. They ate and paid him no mind. Anancy requested food again. Snake said, "Man yuh to craven go fine yuh ownnah food." By this time Anancy realized that he was not going to get any food from them so he would have to get some for himself.

He started to devise a plan. The match had started and he continued to look food. Anancy walked over to one the vendors and told them that he wanted a patty and juice. When the man asked for money he told him his friends Snake and Rabbit would pay for it. The man walked over to Snake and Rabbit for the money. They were angry. Hold this and we will pay you the rest later. Rabbit said "Snake since yuh have de ticket mek we leave Anancy when the match done." Snake smiled "Yes we will leave him mek im fine de money pay." The match went well and the W.I. won. Snake and Rabbit told Anancy they had to go toilet before they go.

Anancy knew they were up to something as he saw the vendor coming and they were gone for more than 15 minutes. He ran all the way to the station and the vendor was in hot pursuit. Now Snake and Rabbit were already on the train in the bathroom. Anancy got on the train sat down and waited for the train to start moving. As soon as it did he got up, went over to the restroom and changed his voice and said, "Ticket please." Snake took the ticket, slipped it under the door. Anancy took the ticket and went back to his seat. Snake and Rabbit were doing the same thing Anancy told them, to wait 5 minutes. A little while later there was a knock on the door. "Tickets please." the person asked. Snake replied, The other conductor took our ticket." The conductor replied, "I am the only conductor on the train." As they were thrown off the train to the waiting vendors they saw Anancy sitting on the train with a big smile.

Two Jamaican badmen are walking through a rural area.

They're on the run from the police, and haven't eaten anything for days.

They see a tree in the distance, and as they get closer, they notice that it's draped with rashers of bacon, smoked bacon, crispy bacon, boiled bacon, grilled bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Look deh!", says the first badman, "A bacon tree! And we ah dead fe hungry!"

So he starts to run toward the tree. As he gets close, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

He's lying wounded on the ground, and his friend shouts, "Wha'appen? Wha'appen? A who?"

The first badman replies, 'Nuh come yah man! A nuh bacon tree, is a ham
bush!"

Psalms 23 - Jamaican Version
The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi

Ah Him ah remind mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout complain, murmur or kiss mi teeth.

Ah Him ah remind mi dat ah Him, noh mi job, ah mi source, although lickle more pay woulda nice.

Him ah stap mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision dem, so mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting.

Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di whole place, an' tun' all mi supervisor dem inna some duppy so mi no haffi go ah prison, an' live mongst ah bag ah battyman or get heng.

Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline fi work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behind mi back, some big heediat fi supervisor, an' ah old body dat kyaan' mek it a morning time, mi nah give up because Him deh wid mi!

Him presence, Him peace, an' Him power ah go si mi through.

Ah Him ah raise mi up, even when di heediat dem nah promote mi hardworking self, though mi have three set a degree an' diploma.

Ah Him claim mi as fi Him own, even when di company ah threaten fi fiah mi, an' me ah threaten fi light wan fiah an' bun di whole place ah grung.

Fi Him faithfulness an' love betta dan any bonus check (but yu simi, a check woulda help out some time).

Fi Him retirement plan betta dan every pension plan outta road, but mek anybady try rob this place yah an yuh see wha 'appen out yah tiday.

When unnu done talk; Ah Him mi ah go wuk fah fi wan long time ... So Tank Yuh Lord.

.

This mad dread locks man named kiddy liked my mother and when ever he sees her she would run and hide.

one day my mom was on the verandah with my sister and she spotted kiddy coming into the yard and ran into my gran aunts room to hide.

kiddy came upon the veradah calling my mom and saying he had seen her so she can come out.

now my gran aunt a big time coward took brave heart and went out to tell kiddy that my mom is not there and who he saw was two country girls who came to visit.

my aunt was fearful and wanted to get away
so she lied and told kiddy that she's not feeling too well.
so kiddy said he would pray for her... he then put his hand on her head and started praying.

while he's praying all of a sudden kiddy shouted and said "RISE!!!!! my gran aunt with no hesitation jump up quick to his order. so mom asked her why she jump so quickly.... she said because she heard that he was praying for a woman the week before and he told her to rise and she did not and he gave the woman a lick in ar head.

.

Once upon a time, Bredda Ratta was a very facety and highfalutin fella. Him use to dress up himself ina de lates style an fashion an show off himself an gwan like sey him did better dan everybody else.

So Bredda Anancy meck up him mine fi cut dung Bredda Rat to size. An Bredda Nancy tink up him brain an tink up him brain how him gwine manage fi ketch Bredda Rat an lowrate him, an den baps, Bredda Nancy memba sey dat Bredda Rat love dance so till no more no lef. Every drum knock Ratta de deh a cut figure. De one ting Bredda Ratta couldn’t resist was music.

So den Nancy gi out seh dat him gwine meck a big dance, an him invite Bredda Ratta to de ball.

Anancy shine up him dance floor shine an slippery like glass.

Anancy was a fiddler at de dance, an as Bredda Rata walks into de dance hall so Anancy start play sweet tune pon de fiddle an sing seh,

Ying de ying de ying, Ying de ying de ying,
Teck care yuh go talk oh!
Mine yuh taller-tongue, ying de ying,
Mine yuh taller-tongue, ying de ying,
Mine yuh taller-tongue, yng de ying.

Wen de music sweet Bredda Ratta so him start to wheel an tun jump an prance an cut capoose all ovah de dance floor in such a way dat everybody stop dance fi watch Bredda Ratta jiggins, an dem start praise up Bredda Ratta how him dance pretty, an Bredda Ratta dance fi de betta.

Bredda Nancy laugh to himself fi see how him plan a work good, an den him slide him fiddle ina anada sweeter tune seh,

Bandy-wich-wich, Bandy-wich-wich bandy-wich-wich wich
Tumber heng an fall, la, la
Fall la, la, fall la!

An Bredda Ratta cut figure an cut figure so tell him slide pon de shine floor an fall dung an him trousiz pap! Everybody buss out laugh afta Ratta. Lawks, Ratta shame, him shame, him shame so tell him run ina one hole go hide.

An from dat day till teday Ratta live ina hole.
Is Anancy mek it.
Jack Mandara, me noh choose none.

I would certainly appreciate it if you could take this package down the road for me.
Please while you are on your journey might I implore you not to speak to anyone.
Follow my instructions; it is imperative that everything goes according to plan.
May your journey be a safe one.

chorus

Driver please avoid unnecessary stoppages as you deliver this package of marijuana at Alba Mall
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of you not stopping along the way
Collect the funds and make a hasty retreat
Driver be very wary of members of the Constabulary Force as they have set up quite a few speed traps along the path you have to travel.

Verse 1:

I have in my possession a Nextel cellular phone with a sim card from Cingular (though this makes absolutely no sense I thought it still would be fashionable)
If by any chance you run into any problem I can be reached at the number I had previously provided you with.
Be mindful that while our competitors purchase goods by the pound we are apart of a much larger entity purchasing quantities in tons.
The colors we provide are green and chocolate brown We are preferred customers with the carrier services
My life's earnings are invested in this business venture
You are allowed to have a light alcoholic beverage but DON'T indulge in the smoking away of my profit
The aroma of the marijuana will change your perspective on life, no matter how carefully it is packaged
Failure to deliver will be detrimental on your part as I have no problems in attaining firearms and ammunition
I would love to remodel my place of dwelling.

chorus

Driver please avoid unnecessary stoppages as your deliver this package of marijuana at Alba Mall
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of you not stopping along the way
Collect the funds and make a hasty retreat
Driver be very wary of members of the Constabulary Force as they have set up quite a few speed traps along the path you have to travel

Verse 2:

I am in this business not because I want to but because I have to And my female companion has a vested interest in obtaining a few pieces from Victoria Secret's spring collection
Sam is not consistent with his payments so please avoid him entirely; Billy is a known informant for the FBI
Take no one to my place of residence
I love the way soldiers carry themselves, disassociating themselves from cowards
Like Rick Ross, everyday I'm hustling
It would not be in your best interest to attempt undermining me
The last person who tried that met a terrible fate
Ensure maximum sale on the product so we can increase our profit

Monkey and Lion In The Zoo

A Jamaican living in the States was down on his luck. Out of work and broke, he started going around to various companies in the city begging for a job, any job. Finally he got to the zoo. The zookeeper looked stressed out.

"The monkey escaped last night", the zoo-keeper said, "if you are willing to put on a monkey suit and stand in the monkey's cage for a couple days, I'll pay you"

The Jamaican immediately accepted. The pay was OK and the work wasn't hard. He swung from the tree, and the
kids fed him fruits and nuts. He actually started enjoying himself. He even started adding a few acrobatic moves that he had seen on TV. Late in the afternoon he swung a bit too vigorously, lost his grip and flew clean out
of the monkey cage and landed in the lion cage next door.

The lion let out a huge roar and our friend in the monkey suit bawled out, "LAWD GOD, MI DEAD NOW". The huge lion immediately pounced on him, grabbed him by the throat and whispered, "Man shut yuh raas, if yuh evah mek mi lose di likkle wuk yuh si..."

.

A Jamaican Poem
You're the ackee in my saltfish
Condensed milk in my tea
The patty in my coco bread
Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water
You're good for my heart
And Mr.Wray without his nephew
Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me
Like banana leaf on blue draaws
There is nothing I wouldnt do for you
You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always
Like when tin milk get short
An dem marry it with it to de mackerel
to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday
Mango in the summertime
I cant get enough of you
Please tell me you will be mine.

... Yuh wing soon clip

... Yuh mus be tink seh mi born behind cow

... Puss an dawg nuh have de same luck

... Learn fi dance a yard before yuh go abroad

... Dawg know who fi bite and duppy know who fi frighten

... Chicken merry! Hawk deh near

... Yuh head faver someting whey johncrow draw brakes ina

... Yuh head faver johncrow airport

... Whey mek yuh head faver senseh fowl nest

... It too early. Cock no even put on im draws yet

... But unu see mi dying trial!!

... Pickney ask Mumma, "Mumma whey mek yuh mout so long"? Mumma sey, "Ayy ... pickeney yuh a grow yuh will learn"

... If yuh don't hear yuh will feel

... Yuh free paper soon burn

... Yuh more harm than hurt

... Wen poop a chat, fart deh near

... It holey holey but it clean

... But cuh pon yuh too

... Use deh one stone an kill deh two bird

... Mi no wan hear bout 'orse dead and cow fat

... Always have manners, it will carry yuh far

.

American: Porch
Jamaican: Varanda

American: Bathe, Shower
Jamaican: Bade, Hol' A Fresh

American: Collard Greens, Spinach
Jamaican: Callaloo

American: Stick Shift (Car)
Jamaican: Standard

American: Charge It
Jamaican: Trus' It

American: Can You Give Me A Lift To The Corner
Jamaican: Beg Yu A Ride Go Dung Di Street Noh Sah

American: Oh My God!
Jamaican: Lawd A Mercy

American: Excuse Me
Jamaican: Beg Yu Pardon

American: "You Wanna Fight?", Or "You Want A Piece Of Me"
Jamaican: "Touch A Button!" "Touch A Button"

American: Where Are You Going?
Jamaican: Weh Yuh Deh Go?

American: Excuse Me
Jamaican: Gi Mi Pass

American: Sorry
Jamaican: Hush

American: The Shoes Is A Little Tight
Jamaican: Lawd Di Boot A Bun Mi

American: Oh Stop It You're Killing Me
Jamaican: Lawd Ma Top Eh Man Yuh A Go Kill Me

American: I Do Not Practice Oral Sex
Jamaican: Mi Nuh Bow!!!

American: Look There!
Jamaican: Koo Deh

American: "Whatever"
Jamaican: "Man, Yuh Backside Yah Man"

American: Your Mother Is So Ugly...
Jamaican: Yuh Mumma Ugly Lakka Mi Nuh Know Wha...

American: Perm Hair
Jamaican: Cream Head

American: 10:Pm, 10:30, 15 Of 10
Jamaican: 10 A'clack, Half Pass 10, Quarta To 10

American: Attention Deficit
Jamaican: Hard Ears!

American: Dyslectic
Jamaican: Dunce Bat!

American: 4x 4 Truck
Jamaican: Van

American: Open The Hood
Jamaican: Fly Di Bonnet

American: Fly Guy
Jamaican: Cha-Cha Bwaay

American: Can I Have A Loose Paper
Jamaican: Beg Yuh A Folder Leaf

American: Pants Leg
Jamaican: Trousers Foot

American: Freeze Ice
Jamaican: Kisko-Pop

American: Dynatap, Theraflu, Robotussin, Midol, Tyenol
Jamaican: Mint Tea

American: Close The Cupboard
Jamaican: Shet Di Cabinet

American: Shooping Cart
Jamaican: Trolley

American: I Am Going To The Movies
Jamaican: Mi A Goh A Show

American: I Really Do Like You
Jamaican: Yow Baby! Mi Check Fi Yuh Bad Yuh Noh Star!

American: You Mean That Really Sexy Girl From Out Of Town?
Jamaican: You Mean Dah Strang Bady Gyal Deh From Country?

American: Homosexual/Lebsbian
Jamaican: Batty Bwoy/Sadamite

American: Birth Certificate
Jamaican: Bert Cer-Fi-Ticket

American: That Happened By Chance
Jamaican: A Buck Up Dat, A Buck Up!

American: Viagra
Jamaican: One Guiness, One Stick A Weed, One Bowl A Peanut Parriage, Or Simply A Piece A "Stone"

American: He Is Impotent
Jamaican: A Ole Wutless Bwoy, Yuh Nuh si seh him nuh have nuh use?

An old couple in Jamaica was puzzled when the coffin of their dead relative arrived from foreign.
The corpse was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin that her face was practically touching the glass cover. When they opened the coffin, they found a letter pinned to her chest which read:
Dear Mama and Papa:
Mi a sen yu wha lef a Puncie fi di funeral dung deh inna Jamaica. Sarry seh mi couldn't mek di funeral cause dem seh di expenses dem too high. Yu wi find inside a di coffin, unda Puncie body:
12 can a Bully Beef
12 bottle a Posner Shampoo
12 bottle a Posner Conditioner
12 bottle a Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion
12 tube a Colgate toothpaste
Pon Puncie body is a brand new pair a Nike (size 8) fi Keefa.
Unda Puncie head is four pair a Nike fi Boysie son dem. Puncie a wear six Fubu t-shirt - one is fi Trevor and di rest fi im son dem.
Puncie a wear one dozen Wonder Bras (a fi mi favorite), jus devide dem mongst the likkle gal dem inna di district.
Di two dozen Victoria Secret panty dem dat Puncie have on is fi mi nieces and mi cousin dem.
Puncie also have on eight Levi pants, tek one fi yuhself and give di rest of dem to di likkle boy boy dem whey work pon Papa truck.
Di Swiss diman watch yu did ask mi fa de pan Puncie lef wris and di tings dem wha yu did sen come beg mi for Mama (di earrings, ring and chain), dem is where dem suppose fi wear pon Puncie body, please tek dem before anybody come fi view di body.
hope seh yu get everyting alright. Di damn palitishan dem mek yuhaffe tiefall kina way fi get tings eena di kuntri.
God bless yu and keep yu,
Your loving daughter,
Babsie
P.S. Mi a beg yu find a dress fi Puncie bury eenna.

.

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

.

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

.

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."

.

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

.

Seventh Day Adventist
A Jamaican walks into a bar in Miami, orders three Red Stripe and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a beer goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Jamaican replies, "Well, you see, mi have two bredda. One inna Toronto, the other dey a London, and mi deya a Miami. When we all left home, we promised to drink this way to remember the days when we drank in MoBay. So mi drink one for each ah meh bredda and one for meh self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice Jamaican custom, and leaves it there. The Jamaican becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Jamaican looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine,"

He explains, "It's just that I joined The Seventh Day Adventist Church and I personally had to stop drinking”

.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

.

One day, Rambo was walking down King Street when he saw his friend Shabba driving a brand new pickup. Shabba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Shabba, where'd you get that truck?!?'

'Wendy gave it to me' Shabba replied.
'She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Rambo, let me tell you what happened. We were driving up Hope Road, late last night. Wendy pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed to Hope Garden. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Shabba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!'

'Shabba, you're a smart man!'
'Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

.

A Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocho wanted to take a day off work to go into Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over.

"Obediah, ah have to go to Kingston today, but ah want you to keep the clinic open; just in case any patients come in. Yuh tink you cyan handle it?"

"Yes, sah, yes sah!" answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge.

The following day, the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, "So how tings went yesterday?"

"I had was to treat t'ree patients," said Obie proudly.

"De fuss one seh 'im have a bad 'eadache, so mi give 'im two Tylenol."

"De second one seh 'im belly a hot him bad, bad, so mi give him some Maalox."

"Good work, good work," said the doctor, 'And what about di t'ird patient?"

"Well, sah, dis ooman bust through de door. And she tear off all she clothes sah! Me seh, every last piece of she clothes, sah. An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and spread her legs dem.Den she shout out, "Help mi! Fi five years now mi nuh see any man!"

"Lawd, God man." exclaimed the doctor, "So what yuh do?"

"Mi put drops inna her eye dem sah!' replied Obie proudly

.

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

.

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

.

A Lady was travelling along Caledonia road in Mandeville, when she was involved in a traffic accident with a man who was driving a car. They both agreed to go to a nearby police station to make a report.

Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:

Lady: Mawning offica

Officer: Mawning Maam

Lady: I'm here to report an accident

Officer: Go ahead Maam

Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.

Officer: Lady it look like a sex argument yuh a talk bout.

Lady: No offica, but look how the man mash up the whole a mi front.

.

An 85-year-old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, its like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied, Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldnt get the jar open.

.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the r egister, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
T he boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

.

By: Wade Cameron - an avid fan
How they came with pouring rain

Deterring your focus, but your drive, they couldn't change

Your determination and will, they couldn't detain

How you charged the skies with your loud thunderous claps

Leaving everyone else, in their tracks

Underestimating you they did

A powerful dot, they couldn't see your will

Like a moment in time, you allowed history to remain still

Showcasing your talents and all your skills

With your loud thunderous roll, you put the rest of the world on hold

Showing your vigorous force

Increasing your terror, to warn others you're coming

The wind blew with tremendous fury like the whistling hurricane

Trying to change your course

But like the human torch

You burned with desire

Knowing you'll be standing

Look who's crossed the finish line...

Patiently waiting

.

The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.

One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.

He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked his congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?' All the men stood up.

'No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?' All the women stood up.

'No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' Half the women stood up !

'No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is,
has anybody seen MY cock?' Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up!

.

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said...you got male!

---------------------------

.

My Dad's Better Than Your Dad

When Jesus was a kid He was sitting around with some friends. One of the kids says "My dads a fireman and he's better than yours!" ; another says "Well my dads a police man so he's better than yours!" Jesus looks at this and says "Well my Dads God, and He created you, you, you, and you so there!"

---------------------------------
Why doesn't a grasshopper ever goes to a football match...he prefers cricket.

----------------------------------

Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500."

"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000!"

"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $650,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, OK?"

"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"